Page 31 of Be More Octopus

Jack walked up to the counter. 'Two adults, please.'

'Any concessions?' The woman at the till was slowly chewing gum, looking bored.

'Are you over 60, dear?' Jack asked Em.

'No, I've just had a hard week.'

'No, then.' He turned back to the woman, who gave him a look as if she would love to say “You think you're so bloody funny, but I've heard it all before”.

'What do I owe you?' Em asked as Jack handed her a ticket.

'Nothing. You pay for drinks afterwards if you like.'

It was only a small aquarium. They looked at some seahorses bobbing around. And then a big tube containing jellyfish. There was a lobster that barely moved. Then they rounded a corner into another room and saw an octopus.

'Awww!' said Em. 'I always feel sorry for octopuses in captivity.'

'This one looks like it's got a big tank.'

'I know, but they're supposed to be incredibly intelligent. It can't be much fun having people stare at you all day.'

'Would you prefer we turned our backs on it then?' Jack suggested.

'No. It would be even ruder to ignore the poor thing. I wonder if this one waves?'

'Waves?'

'Yes, there's one in a zoo somewhere that waves at her keeper. I can't remember where she is, though.' Em tentatively waved at the octopus. It just stared back at her impassively.

'He thinks you're mad.'

'How do you know it's a he?'

'It's those patches on its head. Only male octopuses have those,' said Jack, very seriously.

'Blimey, you know so much.'

He chuckled.

'It says it on the sign, doesn't it?' Em laughed. 'I am so gullible!'

'Sorry, I couldn't resist.'

'Lucy and I have this phrase we use “Be more octopus”.'

'Why?'

Em explained about the rock-throwing octopus.

'So you and Lucy preferred to throw rocks at annoying boys?'

'Only metaphorically,' she laughed. 'We didn't want to get detention.'

'What did you do instead?'

'We used a few sharp elbows or knees to the groin area. It worked in the end. They soon moved on to pestering this poor girl called Amanda instead. But, I suspect that was because she grew tits before everyone else.'

'We never did that sort of thing at my school.'