Page 29 of Theta

When Story's hands pluck the button of my fly and tug the zipper down, I panic. Grab her wrists and pull them away. "We're under guard, Story. He said the other three could be back any time." I cradle both of her hands in mine, press them to my lips. "I've craved you for so fucking long I don't remember a time I wasn't obsessed with you. But I…we…" I trail off, shaking my head, kissing her knuckles again. "I want you so goddamned bad, Story. But not here. Not like this. Not when some jackass could come in at any moment. I want you all to myself. I want all the time in the world with you."

"Killy," Story murmurs. "God." Her expression is fraught with emotions I can't entirely figure out.

"What?"

"Just you. You're smarter than I am, clearly. All I can think about is this mouth." She nuzzles her lips on mine, then moves my hands to cup her cheeks. "These hands." A rife, tense, brief pause. "And…points south."

I groan. "Please don’t even reference points south, Story. My control is on a knife's edge, right now. I'm trying like fuck to do right by you."

She leans forward and rests her head on my chest, palms flat on my shoulder blades. "Can I ask you something?"

"Obviously."

"How can I have never once even gotten a hint from you that you have feelings for me? I…I've been fighting these feelings since you were eighteen. I thought it was just me. I only even started dating Jocko seriously because I'd given up on ever having this with you."

"Jocko wasn’t…he wasn’t your—” I start, then stop, wondering if that's something I'm even allowed to ask.

Her smile is soft. "No, Killy. I haven't been with anyone since him, but he was not my first, if that's what you're asking. Nor is he my only partner."

"I don't mean to pry, Story."

She toys with a spiral of my hair. "You're not. You can ask me anything."

"Same."

She tilts her head quizzically. "Then have you…was Helena your first?"

I shake my head. "No. She was my longest relationship by far, but she wasn't my first. Or my last. My most recent…um…" I feel my cheeks heat.

"Partner?" she suggests. Her smile is easy and teasing. "You can just say hookup, also, Killy. It's not like I won't understand. I've had them myself. Jocko was my only truly serious relationship. We can just keep being totally honest with each other, right?"

I nod. "Absolutely," I answer, feeling my cheeks redden further, although with my coloring you'd be hard-pressed to notice. "I…yeah. My most recent, um, hookup was three months ago. Four?" I shrug. "It was…meh, I guess. She was nice and attractive, and we had fun together. It wasn't bad."

"But?"

I shake my head. "I went home afterward feeling…weird about it, I guess. Like, what's the point, y'know? All the bullshit that goes with hooking up? Finding the right spot to hang out, waiting around for a girl you're attracted to to show up, and then hope she's single, and then you have to…" I shrug, laughing. "Have game, I guess. Which I do not."

Story laughs. "I find that hard to believe. With your looks, Killy? I just find it hard to believe it's any more difficult than pointing and crooking your finger."

I splutter a sarcastic laugh. "You overestimate my appeal, clearly. Especially when I'm sharing space with Cal. I love that guy, okay? Like, down to my bones. He's my brother in every way that matters except genetics. I’d kill for him. But my fucking god, he takes up all the oxygen in any room he's in."

"He doesn't mean to," Story says. "Just how he is, I think. But I can see how he might be hard to compete with for attention."

I sigh, nodding. "You have no idea, Story. And I'm not that competitive, y'know? Like, when it comes to games and sports and such, yeah, I like to win. I'll try my best in a real competition with rules and stuff. But I just don't have that thing that makes me need to win at everything all the time. And that's just how Cal is about everything.”

"I can understand how that might feel," she answers.

"I know he can't help it. And I don't really mind, most of the time. I don't mind letting him take the lead. It's important to him. And as an inheritor to Uncle Val's whole corporate empire, he honestly needs that killer, have-to-win instinct. But for me, if I want to stand a chance of finding someone to hook up with, I generally have to go without him, or with one of my other buddies who doesn't take up quite so much space in the universe." I laugh, a quiet snort. "Which I sometimes have a hard time not feeling guilty about."

“I do understand that,” Story says. “But Killy, you never answered my question. How did I never even catch a hint that you have feelings for me?"

I roll a shoulder. "I…I guess I kept it under wraps. You…" I shoot her a look, finding it hard to put all this into words when I'm talking to her about her. "The age difference doesn't really mean all that much to me anymore, but that was a big part of it for a long time. I was a kid. Fourteen, fifteen? And you were an adult… what, nineteen, twenty? I didn't even have to shave regularly, and you could legally drink, or almost. What was I supposed to do? Profess my undying love? It felt like you'd have laughed at me. I know you're not mean like that. You wouldn't have—you'd have been nice about it, I'm sure."

She ducks her head, nodding against my chest. "That part I understand." A pause. "Back then, I…when you were that age, I…" She sits up and covers her face with both hands. "I struggled with it, Killy. I saw you growing into someone attractive and cool and interesting, and I liked you, but…I had to shut it down."

I nod. "You kept your distance. You were never anything but awesome to me. You included me. You were always super cool with me, Story. But I could tell you were keeping your distance. I figured it was a…how do I put it? Keeping an appropriate relationship with a minor kind of thing." I look at her, and it's surreal that after all this time, all the pining, all the dreams and guilty fantasies, she's in my arms, touching me, expressing a desire for me. "I guess I just took that to mean you saw me as a friend, or…or a cousin sort of situation. Friendzoned. And I just…that assumption never changed."

"You hid it well," Story says.