Page 2 of Miss Trust

Although I desperately needed this job, I hesitated. “I only have a sheer cami underneath.”

He tsked. “Shame. I can’t give you the job without knowing.”

Perhaps we could strike a compromise. “What if you call in one of your female trainers, and I show her instead? I think it would be more appropriate than taking my jacket off for you behind closed doors, don’t you?”

His face turned red. “Never mind. We’ll be in touch.”

There would be no phone call. After applying for various positions all over Los Angeles in the past four weeks, this would be rejection number fifteen.

“Of course. Thank you for your time,” I murmured robotically. I got out of there before he had the satisfaction of seeing me broken.

Once I arrived home, I took out my keys but stopped outside the front door before unlocking it. I paused for a deep breath. No matter how much I hated this shitty apartment building in a shitty part of town and my shitty job stripping at night to put food on the table and pay rent, I couldn’t enter my home with any of that baggage. Nope. My daughter needed me to remain positive, to pretend everything would be okay. To be strong even when I felt anything but.

Crying from fear about the desperate situation I found us in would come at night when I laid my head on my pillow, when no one else could see or hear me. Words like, “remission is not necessarily a cure,” would go on repeat in my head. Unfortunately, childhood leukemia was a long game, and ours had suffered a setback.

The minute I stepped through the front door, Penelope came running towards me. “Mommy, Mommy, you’re home. You look so pretty.”

My arms went around her, hugging her tightly. “Thank you, baby.”

“You’re still holding me.”

I did that a lot lately, held on to her longer than usual. Stared at her while she was sleeping. Wished I could trade places with her. “I know. I’m sorry.”

My hand smoothed over her bald head where her blond curls used to be, my tears forming. There was no greater feeling of helplessness than to know your child was sick and there wasn’t a thing you could do to fix it. I’d hoped after many months of treatments, we would stay in remission and enter the maintenance mode for her acute lymphocytic leukemia, but instead we were starting over. It wasn’t completely uncommon, but it was disheartening.

My friend, Daisy, walked over, wearing a vivid floral print dress with a bow in her hair. I swore she lifted the mood of a room with her energy alone. She was absolutely, effortlessly beautiful in a retro-classic way. There were few people I trusted outside of my sister, but Daisy was an absolute gem. She’d come over this morning to babysit while I went on my interview.

“We had a great morning watching Toy Story 4. Penny ate the pancakes you made and some peaches.”

Nutrition was an important part of keeping up Penelope’s immune system. Even if it meant I’d go hungry, my baby would never. “Great. Thanks again for coming over last minute, Daisy.”

“Of course. How did it go?”

I shook my head, unable to talk about it.

She frowned and mouthed, “I’m sorry.”

My shrug was automatic. I was accustomed to men on a power trip who made me feel like I was nothing in their world. Helpless. All I could do was keep applying for night jobs and hope there was one out there for me.

“Do you have to work tonight too?” Penny inquired.

Her question conjured up guilt over not being able to be here at night with her like most parents. “Yes, I do, but we have all day we can be together, and I’ll have tomorrow night off.”

As far as she knew, my job was in a warehouse. Desperate times might call for desperate measures, but I wasn’t going to ruin her innocence by sharing the sordid details of my real job with her.

Daisy smiled. “You get to be with me tonight, kiddo, and I can’t wait.”

Penelope absolutely loved spending time with Daisy, which eased some of my guilt.

I walked my friend to the door. “I’ll let you know if I get any more interviews this week.”

She patted my arm. “I don’t mind babysitting Penelope any time.”

No, she never did, but it still wasn’t easy for me to ask for help.

In addition to filling in last minute, like she had this morning, Daisy babysat Penelope four nights a week while I worked at the strip club in Hollywood. She did this on top of her dog-walking business, a number of temp jobs, and the soaps she made and sold online through the Etsy craft website.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” She was an angel, hardly taking any money from me for the babysitting. She said it was more like having Penelope for a sleepover at her apartment until I could arrive, scoop her up, and take her home. It wasn’t the life I wanted for my daughter, but it was all I could provide at the moment.

Although I wasn’t a hugger by nature, Daisy never heeded my body language and always went in for the embrace. She whispered, “Stay strong, momma.”

I would. Because I had to.