Page 135 of Tell Me Something

Feeling the tears, I hugged him and whispered, “I don’t want to need help.”

“No one ever does, but grief never really goes away. You just get better at coping.”

DR. MAC MADE me feel instantly at ease, quelling my nerves. He appeared to be in his mid-forties, and it was apparent he had a friendship with Mark. He spent a lot of time, not surprisingly, focused on gathering information about the death of my parents and my previous episode of depression. He asked me a lot of questions about my relationships with others.

“Why do you think it is that you try to be such a good friend to everyone but want nothing in return?” Dr. Mac questioned.

“Because I’m scared,” I replied in a whisper.

He looked enormously pleased with my answer. “Now tell me why.”

Biting my lip, I sighed. “Because if I rely on anyone to be there for me, then I risk falling apart when they aren’t. It’s safer to be there for others instead. I’ve convinced myself that I don’t need anyone because I don’t want to be hurt again.”

“I notice you said again. Haylee, it’s natural for you to feel resentment regarding the death of your parents. Everyone has anger after they lose someone close to them.”

“My parents wouldn’t have wanted me to feel angry.”

He looked at me thoughtfully. “But what do you feel? I think this is an important question and one you need to ask yourself more often. At some point real soon, you’re going to have decisions facing you that weren’t planned out with your parents. Decisions as a mother.”

I nodded. “I know you’re right.”

“Tell me what you’re thinking with regards to Josh at this point.”

“I feel like he just verified what I’d always feared.”

“I won’t defend him since I don’t know him. But I will say that if he still has residual trust issues of his own, most likely they took a priority in a moment of crisis. Just as you panicked, perhaps he did too. He did call Mark to check on your well-being. I’d like to think that’s a sign of not completely abandoning you.”

“I guess…” I was unconvinced.

He continued. “You have a lot of insight already into your feelings. I feel like we accomplished more in one session than some patients do in five. You should be proud of yourself for getting there on your own. We can’t always contain grief or our emotions in a box or time limit, Haylee. That may have worked for you as a coping mechanism in the past, but you need to start giving yourself a break. This isn’t easy stuff you’re dealing with.”

“I don’t want to burden anyone with it.”

He gave me a kind smile. “Do you see it as a burden when your friends want to talk to you about something they’re going through? Or do you see it as an opportunity to be a good friend?”

If I had a light above my head, it would have been illuminating the room. “I’d see it as being a good friend.”

“I think you’ve taken a step in the right direction by allowing Mark to be that for you this afternoon.”

“I suppose I did.” And Will had also been such an amazing friend to me earlier today. I needed to call him after my session and let him know I was doing okay.

“Let’s set up an appointment for tomorrow as well as on Monday after your classes. I also do couples counseling if you’d like to suggest it to Josh.”

“I don’t see that happening, but I’d like to see you again.”

In only one session, it appeared he understood me, and I was grateful. I wasn’t sure about my future with Josh, but that would need to take a back seat for now.

SHORTLY AFTER DR. MAC LEFT, Mark returned with groceries and his overnight bag in hand. “I got you a couple kinds of soup, some crackers, and some Gatorade,” he said, unpacking in the kitchen.

I gave him a watery smile. “Thank you.”

He was true to his word and took the couch that night.

I was exhausted from the day, but still had trouble sleeping. I was worried that I’d already done damage to this innocent baby before it even had a chance. I stared at the clock until I heard voices. They sounded like they were coming from the living room, and they didn’t sound happy.

I stood, trying to listen, and recognized one voice belonged to Josh.

“Why the fuck are you here?”