Page 129 of Tell Me Something

He sounded so unsure that guilt crept up. Perhaps I had made him feel like this. “Dinner and a movie sounds amazing.” I meant it because now that he was standing here I was the happiest I’d been in weeks.

He glanced at the books on the couch. “You’ve been studying.”

“Yes, but it’s been five hours, and I’m ready for a break.”

“You’ve been studying for five hours?” He shook his head in disbelief.

I smiled. “Reading mostly and preparing early for Monday.”

“Nerdy Haylee is kind of hot,” he teased.

“Do you think coming up here like this is going to get old?” I blurted out, not sure what answer I was looking for after only his first trip. Maybe some sort of reassurance.

He searched my eyes and then responded carefully. “I’m not sure. All I know is that in this very moment I’m the happiest I’ve been in weeks.”

My breath caught with his admission that echoed my own thoughts. I took his hand, leading him into the bedroom. “Dinner will have to wait because right now I’ve got other plans in mind.”

An hour later we ate cold Thai food from the bed, enjoying each other’s company.

“I KNOW it’s only September, but my mother is chomping at the bit, asking if you’ll come for Thanksgiving. I don’t want to pressure you, but I figured I’d put it out there before she calls you directly.”

We were on our Saturday night date at a quaint pizza place in town that Mark had recommended. It felt wonderful to hold hands across the table and act like a typical couple on a Saturday night out. But I wasn’t ready for this question. Ironic, really, since last year I’d felt left out of Josh’s family holiday plans.

“Wow, that’s two months away.” I said the first thing that came to mind and immediately regretted it when I saw the hurt look on his face.

“It’s fine. I can tell her that we’re playing our relationship by ear, and asking you too far in advance puts too much pressure on you.”

Ouch. Here he’d offered up something new with regard to sharing the holidays with his family, and I’d sounded annoyed. “I didn’t mean—”

He held up a hand. “No, I know. I shouldn’t have brought it up.” He sighed and then gave me a forced smile. “You ready for the movie?”

He was already changing the subject and signaled the waiter for the check.

We arrived at the movie theatre, and I could feel the tension rolling off of him as we took our seats. “Please tell your mother I’d be happy to come,” I offered. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that looking forward to a holiday might be a good thing for a change. And if he was putting things out there for our future, obviously he was committed to it.

He didn’t even look at me. “Why don’t we wait until we get closer to the occasion? Who knows? By then you could be dating someone completely new.”

I stared at his profile and fought the tears. He was starting to feel resentment toward me, and I couldn’t blame him.

The lights dimmed, and I tried to focus on the movie. Finally, twenty minutes in, I couldn’t bear it any longer. I couldn’t sit miserable in a movie theatre while my maybe-boyfriend who was no longer a secret hated me for something I wasn’t able to give him. I stood up, scooted out of the aisle, and made my way out of the theatre. Hopefully, he’d assume I’d gone to the restroom.

It was about a mile back to my apartment, but I didn’t care. The problem was that I didn’t know which direction to walk. I vaguely remembered the drive, but we’d gone to the restaurant first, and that had been further from my place than the theatre. I looked around, but there were no taxis. The difference between New Haven and New York was never more obvious than now.

“What are you doing?” Josh was suddenly beside me on the sidewalk.

“I just need to go home. This isn’t working. You’ll end up despising me, and I’ll hate myself for letting that happen.”

He looked at me for a moment before responding. “Let me drive you.”

No arguments about how he wasn’t going to hate me, no fight about how he still wanted to be with me. Just a cool resignation in his voice that broke my heart.

He pulled into the parking lot of my building.

I found myself unable to move. “Sometimes I resent my parents for leaving me,” I whispered, staring straight ahead instead of meeting his gaze. “I get angry with them, with God, and then at myself for even feeling that way.” This was the first time I’d ever admitted that out loud.

Josh sat there awhile silent and then cut the engine and got out of the rental car. He went around to my side, opened the door, and unbuckled me. He didn’t say a word as he scooped me up and carried me into my apartment. He lay me down on my bed and undressed me like he would a child, shed his own clothes, and enveloped me under the comforter. We lay there awhile before he finally spoke.

“It means a lot that you would share that with me. The only thing I’ll say to you is that I’m here to listen anytime without judgment. I could tell you until I’m blue in the face that you’re entitled to feel that way, but it won’t matter unless you believe it.” He paused and leaned back so that he could kiss my forehead. “I’m sorry for what I said in the movie theatre.”