Page 87 of Fallacies

“Um,” I roll my lips together, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable myself. It feels…wrong to talk to him about it.

I’d kept it a secret from him, mostly because I was afraid, but there’s a small part of me that felt ashamed, too. Embarrassed by this…monster I didn’t ask for. It isn’t my fault, I know that, but the thought of Callan helping me train it?

Mortification blooms, heating my cheeks. “I mean, what would happen if I just…didn’t? Didn’t use it, I mean.”

What my father warned me about the night of the Soul Binding rings through my head, and as soon as the question leaves my lips, I remember why it was a senseless one to ask.

It will consume you. It will eat you alive. Control or be controlled.

It isn’t possible, what I’m suggesting. I couldn’t suppress my mother’s magic when it first manifested, so what makes me think I could turn a blind eye to the evil born beneath it?

My father’s magic is hungrier, darker, and less forgiving when it’s denied. It’s more painful to harness and more suffocating to smother.

I exhale a heavy breath, dropping my chin back to my arm. “Never mind.”

A burning starts behind my eyes, and I avert my gaze to Callan’s silver pendant resting in the divot at the base of his throat. It rises and falls with each breath he takes.

I can sense his attention on me, and the gentle drag of his hand through my hair only serves to make the burning worse.

“It isn’t ideal, Lucina,” Callan sighs. “I don’t want this for you, and if I could find some way to—” he terminates the statement when I lift my head, shaking his as he throws the thought away. “I don’t have any experience with that kind of magic, but I can try. It might make you stronger.”

The real reason for his offer clicks then, and I can see it on his face—in the fierce yet fearful look in his eyes, and the somber drop in his tone. Even his heartbeat quickens, thumping harder beneath my arm.

You’ll have to cross the ward alone, and I won’t be there to protect you.

A cursed and corrupt weapon is still a weapon, one that could save you if I can’t.

And he’s right. I will be alone—that’s always been the plan. The second I slid that cup across the ward that Selene spun at breakfast, I knew where this would end. I’d enter the Estate alone, and I’d be solely responsible for taking down the ward once inside. There’s no other option, and honestly, it doesn’t scare me as much as I think it should.

The risk to my life for the potential to save hundreds? When you look at the choices for what they are, it’s hardly a dilemma.

“I can do it,” I exhale, going back to tracing his tattoo. “Training it, I mean. I don’t need help.”

Callan is silent for a long moment, and when I look up at him, I can tell he’s still worried. Still thinking.

I force a smile. “I’m already pretty strong.”

Callan snorts. “I know you are.”

Pulling myself up, I swing a leg over his hip, wincing at the strain on my inner thighs. My body certainly aches, but in a good way. Pleasantly sated and sore.

It takes me a second to relax into the position, and Callan’s hands slide up to rest on my hips. “What are you going to tell Delia?” I ask.

Any hint of playfulness falls from his face—he must not have thought that part through.

The Dame will need to approve our rescue mission, and Callan can’t very well tell her that our plan to pass the ward is to let me cross it.

“Um.” He drags a hand through his hair while he thinks, deciding with a decent amount of confidence, “We’ll tell her we figured out a different way to take down the ward, and I’ll be vague with the details.”

Sounds good enough to buy us some time.

I nod, toying with the chain around his neck. “And what about when I get back?”

Callan must notice the unease in my voice, or the defeat in the slouch of my shoulders, because he leans up to kiss me. It’s intentional and reassuring, the dread in my stomach lessening at the touch.

He cups my jaw, running his thumb over my cheekbone. “You’ll be saving our people, Lucina,” Callan tells me. “Regardless of how you are able to do it, you’ll be the reason we get to see our families again. I doubt the Dame or anyone, for that matter, would question you or your magic, but we will figure it out. Okay?”

I chew on my bottom lip, not sold.