Page 27 of The Gaybor War

Eunice Dobbins (President)

Herb Tilson (Vice President)

Linda Marks (Social Committee Chair)

…and your friendly Neighborhood Watch Captain, Benji Stewart!

Quote of the Month:

"A perfectly trimmed hedge is the first step toward world domination… or at least HOA approval." – Morningwood Estates Committee of Excellence

Chapter 9

The Morningwood Monthly arrives like it always does—creased, perfumed with someone’s floral hand lotion, and radiating unearned authority. I pull it from the mailbox between a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon and a flyer for lawn aeration, because apparently my grass needs therapy now too.

Back inside, I toss it on the kitchen counter, pour a generous iced coffee, and brace myself. Reading the newsletter is like binge-watching Desperate Housewives if the HOA wrote the scripts.

Big bold header:

Rise and Shine, Morningwood!

I groan. "Every damn month. Do they hear themselves?"

I smooth the paper flat, ready for enlightenment.

Dear Residents,

"As we head into summer, let’s remember water safety and decorum. We’re so glad everyone came together to get wet and make a big splash!"

I nearly spit coffee across the page. "They cannot keep getting away with this."

I flip to the next section—Friendly Reminders—and it’s already nuts.

Fill those holes! Your yard can become a dangerous place with unfilled holes. Nothing spoils a perfect stroll like a hidden pitfall—or an unsuspecting foot. Safety first, neighbors!

I snort. "Oh, the irony. If Morningwood’s known for anything, it’s unfilled holes."

No parking on streets and curbs! Let’s keep traffic flowing!

"Flowing," I repeat. "Sure. Because nothing kills the mood like a blocked cul-de-sac."

Upcoming Events: HOA Board Meeting – Attendance mandatory for all members interested in our new Block Captain initiative!

"Block Captain," I mutter. "Because dictator sounded too aggressive." Although I may throw my hat in the ring. God forbid Eunice or, perish the thought, Carter, get nominated.

Farmers Market – Come check out the gourds!

"Morningwood and gourds. Subtle."

Then I get to the pool BBQ announcement and almost choke.

‘No raw dogging. Bring your own condoms.’

I have to read it three times before my brain can process the typo. Condiments? Then I wheeze, clutching my stomach. "Oh, this is gold. Absolute Pulitzer material."

Somewhere across the street, I imagine Carter reading the same line—jaw tightening, moral compass spinning out—and I can’t help but laugh harder.

I grab my phone, snap a photo for the Morningwood Minute, and type: