Page 2 of The Gaybor War

"You thrive on this," Shania counters. "Don’t lie."

She’s not wrong.

Morningwood Estates is pastel houses, manicured lawns, and enough passive aggression to power a small city. My house—Sunset Sorbet, HOA approved—is directly across from the Lemon Taffy one that’s been sitting empty for weeks.

Empty. Peaceful. A gift.

"Anyway," Candace says, finally looking up, eyes sharp with interest—because nothing fuels her like new information she can immediately weaponize—"we have more important things to discuss."

I narrow my eyes. "That tone concerns me."

"We have a new neighbor."

All eyes swing to me. Shania leans forward, fully invested. Of course she is. If there’s a narrative, she’s already cast it, directed it, and assigned me the lead.

I set my mimosa down slowly. "No."

"Yes," Shania sings. "Across the street from you."

"Absolutely not."

"Single," Malia adds.

Kiki raises her glass. "God help him."

I hate how interested I am. "Stop. Right now."

"Benji," Candace says gently, "two S.A.G.s on the same street⁠—"

And there it is—S.A.G—Single and gay, my honorary title bestowed by well-meaning women with piss-poor imaginations.

I close my eyes. "We need to retire that acronym."

"It’s affectionate," she insists.

"It’s traumatizing," I correct. "You take the periods out and suddenly I’m thinking about sagging anatomy and poor life choices." And my ex, three mistakes ago, who had the saggiest, lowest hanging ball sac I’d ever had the misfortune of putting in my mouth.

Kiki laughs. "You’re impossible."

"I’m self-aware."

Shania smirks. "Word is he’s your type."

"Define my type."

"Breathing," she shoots back.

The table erupts again, and I hate that I’m smiling. Because they’re already planning it. I can see it. In their eyes. In the way Candace is nodding like she’s officiating something.

Matchmaking. For me.

Great. I’m surrounded by women who treat me like I have a vagina.

"Do not," I warn. "Do not involve me."

"Too late," Malia says. "Linda already posted the SOLD sign in the group chat."

Of course she did.