Page 43 of When In Doubt

I didn’t realize I’d talked about him that much. “I think he is.”

“Then, stop overthinking.” She gets close to the camera. “Let him help you out. And hey, maybe you’ll end up in some Denver hotel, and maybe there will only be one bed…”

“Stop!” I laugh.

“What? You never know.”

“We’re not even staying overnight.”

“Not yet.” She waggles her eyebrows.

I roll my eyes. “You read too many books.”

A noise comes from somewhere in the background of her house. Luci’s head whips around. “Mom?” She calls out behind her. There’s a muffled voice, and then she’s standing. “I gotta go.”

“Is everything okay?” Luci’s been the main caretaker for her mom since she sustained a brain injury four years ago. Marie’s recovered well, but still has seizures sometimes, making it unsafe for her to live alone.

“Yeah, I think so.” She throws a quick smile my way. “I’ll text you.”

“Okay, I love you.”

“Love you too.”

When she’s gone, it doesn’t take me long to realize the silence of the apartment is gonna make me crazy. I try putting on the TV, and then listening to music, but the worry about Marie and the confusion over Oscar coil together until I’m ready to crawl out of my skin.

I have to move. I have to get out of here, and if I can’t have Luci on the phone, telling me that her mom’s okay, then I have to get answers from Oscar. At least then, I’ll have one thing cleared up.

I pull on my coat and head out before I can second-guess myself.

I don’t know for sure if he’ll be at the station, but it’s the only place I can think to go. I could probably call him, but I need to look him in the eye when I ask, to have my best chance at knowing if he’s telling me the truth.

I didn’t need my coat. It’s the middle of March and the weather is finally turning, the cold fingers of winter retreating. Now I’m left with a damp hairline and the uncomfortable feeling of sweat down my back. I’m standing outside the firehouse when the insecurity hits. What if he’s not working today? Or if he is, but he’s on a call somewhere? He could be out saving someone's life and I’m here ready to waste his time with my inane questions.

I’m about to turn on my heel and head back to the safety of my apartment when I hear a voice behind me. “Malcolm?”

Jogging across the road toward me is the firefighter who tried to drop off the second flyer. Ryan, I think? His grin is wide as he glances between his workplace and where I’m standing on the sidewalk. I can feel my cheeks burning at being caught, but he doesn’t seem fazed.

“You here to see Murph?” he asks, not stopping as he moves past me. “Come on, I’ll take you to him.”

“Oh! That’s okay.”

“Come on,” he says again, pushing through a metal door and gesturing for me to follow. I feel like a baby deer, my feet unsteady as I trace his steps. We enter a different part of the station than where they held the fundraiser. It’s all offices back here, and Ryan leads me down a long corridor until we reach a half-open door with music spilling out. He pushes it open and I freeze.

The loud music drowns out the sounds of metal clanking and low conversation. There are people dotted around the space using treadmills or loading plates onto bars at weight racks. In my anxiety about seeing Oscar, I hadn’t spotted the sign on the door reading GYM in large black letters.

“Murph!” Ryan yells from next to me, making me jump. Across the room a man sits up from a weight bench. Oh God, it’s him. My breath catches in my throat. His T-shirt pulls tight over his chest and biceps, the collar damp from the beads of sweat that have formed on his face. His hair is pushed back, the dark waves tousled like he’s been running his hands through it.

I watch as a droplet of moisture traces his jaw, going down, down, down, under the collar of his shirt.

My palms go clammy as something unfurls low in my belly. I have to look away, afraid of what might happen if I don’t. It’s like my body isn’t mine, like it’s been taken over by some monster that only wants.

Oscar pulls out one of his earbuds and glances around, trying to place the sound. Ryan waves, and it’s only then, that he notices me. His eyes widen, the brown in them glinting. His lips part as he pulls out the other earbud and stands. The knot in my chest is telling me to go, to get out of here before he can send me away, but there’s something about his expression that has me rooted to the spot.

He winds his way around the machines, never taking his eyes off me. He doesn’t stop, coming right into my space and cupping my elbow.

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Found her outside,” Ryan says.