Page 122 of When In Doubt

“What’s the difference? Isn’t it just a label?”

I curl in tighter on myself. She doesn’t get it. “I don’t know if I want to be someone’s girlfriend again. What if I get stuck like last time?”

I watch her through the screen as she stands up and closes her door. Marie must be waking up. “Look, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to open yourself up to something again. But you need to believe that it’s not going to happen a second time.”

“How can I know? I missed every single red flag with Aaron.” It’s only now that I’m truly starting to understand the depths of his abuse. It’s only now that I feel like I can call it that. I always thought abuse meant someone hitting you, but that’s all it can be. Aaron left scars I’m still finding, and how can I be ready to be with someone else when I hardly know who I am anymore?

“You noticed more than you think,” she says carefully. “You always used to tell me when you felt weird about the things that he said, and I know you hid the worst of it, but you weren’t oblivious.”

I fist my hand in my comforter, needing something to hold on to. “I did?”

“Yeah…” She takes a deep breath before she speaks again. “I was actually getting ready to talk to you about it when he ended things.”

“To say what?” I sit up, spine stiff.

“That I didn’t like him, among other things.” She stares down at her lap. “I just wish I’d done it sooner. Maybe I could have stopped things before they got really bad.”

“Luci, you couldn’t have stopped anything. I had to work it out for myself.”

“And you did!”

“I didn’t.” I feel tears well up in my eyes. “I didn’t even get to leave…”

That’s the scariest thing of all. What if I had just let him keep on hurting me? Deep down, I’m still the same lonely girl, desperate for someone to love her. Doesn’t that leave me just as vulnerable to fall into something bad again?

“I wish I was there now. I want to give you a hug.”

I sniff. “I want that, too.”

“But, babe, listen to me. If you’re pushing away this great guy who wants to treat you like a princess, then aren’t you letting Aaron win?”

“I’m too much of a mess to get into something serious, and I feel like Oscar wants serious.” He’s been very clear about his intentions and I want to be on the same page, but I don’t know how to get over the wall I’ve built around myself.

“Then you need to talk to him. But don’t just dismiss the idea outright because you’re scared. If I can be a big girl and do the thing I’m scared of, then so can you.”

It takes me a second to work out her meaning. “You told your mom?”

“Yup.”

“And?”

She blows a breath through tight lips. “And it was fine. Mostly she was just mad I didn’t tell her I applied.”

“I hate to say I told you so, but…” I smirk at the screen.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Did you talk about where you were gonna live?”

“We’re still figuring it out,” she says carefully. “But I think I want to live in the city?”

“Yeah? That’s amazing.”

“I want to try, at least.”

I’m so happy for her. And for Marie. The fact that she’s feeling well enough to live by herself is huge. “You’re going to love it.”

She beams. “Yeah, I think I am.”