Page 220 of Say My Name

“The risk wasn’t equal,” I continue. “If this had gone badly, Elena’s judgment would’ve been questioned before mine. Her career would’ve taken more damage. We used independent attorneys and protected her position, but I still held power in the company where she worked. I knew it, and I chose to believe careful planning made the imbalance manageable.”

“And did it?”

“It reduced the professional risk. It didn’t remove it.”

Cliff rubs one hand over his mouth. “You could’ve cost her everything she spent years rebuilding.”

“Yes.”

“You could’ve cost yourself our friendship.”

“I know.”

He looks toward the hall, then back at me. “So you knew all that, and you did it anyway?”

There’s no strategy here, no carefully constructed argument. Just the simple truth. “I love her.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“It’s the only honest answer I have.” I keep my voice level, though there’s nothing calm about what I feel. “I wanted her. She wanted a child, and I convinced myself I could give her that without asking for anything she wasn’t ready to offer. The contract let me stay close to her while avoiding the part where I admitted I wanted a life with her.”

“Convenient.”

“For a while.”

“And now?”

“The contract is gone.”

“I meant the two of you.”

I glance toward the study. The door is closed, but Elena’s presence fills the apartment anyway. Her monitors occupy half my desk and her tea is in my kitchen. The books she’s reading have taken over the nightstand, and I find strands of her dark hair everywhere—from my shower to my suit jackets.

She slept against me three nights ago while my phone rang itself useless on the coffee table. She trusted me enough to close her eyes and stay there.

“We’re building a life together.”

Cliff watches my face. “What happens if I’m not comfortable with that?”

“I hope you will be eventually.”

“That isn’t what I asked.”

“I won’t leave Elena to make you comfortable.” I meet his eyes, holding them. “And I don’t expect you to stop being angry so I can feel better about what we did. Take whatever time you need. Ask me anything. I’ll listen.”

“You’re choosing her over me.”

“I’m not ranking you against each other. Elena is the woman I love. You’ve been my best friend for more than twenty years. I want both of you in my life, but our friendship can’t come at her expense.”

For a long moment, Cliff says nothing.

Then he looks toward Elena’s tea, the notebook, and the charger draped across my counter.

“When I saw you in New York, you looked terrible.”

“I felt worse.”

“You thought she was gone.”