Page 72 of Ashborne: Defiance

“Nothing. I meant nothing.”

“Grace—”

“It was a thoughtless thing to say, and I’m very sorry. I won’t—”

“—for God’s sake, just tell me. We’re alone here. I won’t judge. Do you prefer women?”

“No!”

He shrugged easily. “If you do, your dragon will know. You shouldn’t try to hide it. It’s much easier to live your life from a place of truth than—”

“I do not prefer women! I only wondered why you find me so repulsive! For a moment I simply hoped it might not be about me!”

He went quiet. Just sat there behind me, which was worse than anger. I was stiff and mortified, his arms around me, waiting for his words to fall on my head, each reason he didn’t like me tossed like a brick, to bruise and wound.

God, help me. How did I always get myself into these conversations?

It was one of the reasons I’d enjoyed Bren’s company so much. She seemed to speak quite frankly. Yet, instead of sending every man running, they were all enthralled.

I’d wondered how she did that. And whether I could learn it.

“You don’t have to answer that,” I said finally, when I realized he’d been quiet for several seconds. “I am tired and thoughtless and I just—”

“You aren’t repulsive,” he said quietly. “Not in the slightest.”

My heart leaped in the same moment I frowned. Deeply. I looked at him over my shoulder. “The first time you set eyes on me, you despised me, though we’d never met.”

His eyes were averted. He stared down, gaze unfocused. Then his Adam’s apple bobbed.

“When we met, I had other concerns. Primarily about your influence on Bren. I can be sharp with my words when I am focused.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed,” I said primly, turning to face front again, though my hands still trembled on the strap.

Voski huffed a half-laugh, but then went silent again. I felt his gaze on the back of my neck. The skin prickled.

“You aren’t repulsive, Grace,” he repeated. I couldn’t make myself turn around again. I was simultaneously giddy because his voice was rough, and terrified because there was a tone of warning in it. “If you require assurance I’m not simply offering words, I believe you’ve seen demonstrable evidence to the contrary. But, I acknowledge, it’s my fault you believe that.”

I shrugged and opened my mouth to tell him not to worry, though I yearned for him to tell me more. But he sighed and shifted his seat.

“There were many reasons not to trust you in Fyrehold,” he said quietly. His words were clipped. Uncertain. “But, it’s also true that I struggle to trust others at all. Even those I’ve known for years. That isn’t personal to you.”

I struggled to breathe. “I haven’t lied to you,” I said quietly.

Voski sighed. “Please, do not see this as anger—but frankly, that’s a bullshit statement. You could lie about lying. I wouldn’t know. I don’t know you well enough to be sure. Can we agree that I need to be kinder, and you need to accept that I mean what I say, and leave it at that?”

“I would say yes,” I said carefully. “But I have so many questions. And I fear that only you can answer them. Yet, you see everything as a reason to mistrust me. So, how do I get answers if they aren’t from you?”

“Answers about what?” he asked warily.

“Bren,” I said promptly. “Who she really is. What she’s doing—she’s Chosen, isn’t she? She was lying about just working with the dragons and Donavyn. They’re together and she’s a Furyknight like you—or training at least, correct? But I thought that only happened to men, so why does she exist? Why do I? And why can’t you rest when we stop? What are you guarding against?”

He stiffened. “Those matters are not for you—”

“If I’m going to prove to you that I’m an ally, that I can be trusted, how do I do that unless I carry something with discretion, to prove that I won’t breach your confidence?”

“I’ve told you,” he said shortly. “You prove your trustworthiness by taking instruction, not complaining, working hard, and applying yourself. The rest will come with time.”

“What are you hiding? What are we walking into? And don’t tell me nothing—I grew up in the court. Those people aren’t as brainless as they appear. I know worry, and scheming when I see it. Bren disappeared, and so did her general. And you immediately left the castle. You’re planning something. You all are. Something I almost discovered. Right?”