Page 30 of Shadowborne: Reckoning

Trembling, suddenly struggling to breathe, I rolled onto my back, though I didn’t let her go. But I had to take a moment. Had to think. Had to accommodate this new truth about myself.

“I just… I just understood something important,” I managed gruffly.

Bren moved with me, snuggling into my side, her head on my shoulder, her arm across my chest. I felt her gaze on the side of my face. “Tell me.”

I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

Her head jerked back a little. “Sorry for what?”

“I wasn’t seeing clearly. I didn’t… I didn’t think it through. I was focused on how angry I was. I wanted to protect you—but I just realized… I wanted to soothe my own pride even more.”

“With Ruin?” she said, her voice hitching on his name.

I nodded and turned my head to stare her straight in the eyes. “I’m sorry, Bren. I… I don’t know why I’ve been so blind to this. Kgosi’s been trying to get through to me for weeks and I just… I couldn’t let it go. But I think I can… I think I can find a balance for it if I’m just honest with myself.”

Her brows pinched together. “What kind of balance?”

I rolled my jaw and looked at the ceiling again to try and organize my thoughts. My heart smarted, my pride still wanted to retreat. I didn’t want to admit that I’d been more concerned with my own offense than hers. But it was becoming clear that’s exactly what I’d done—why I wouldn’t give it up, even when she begged me to.

“I think… I’ll never cease being angry with him,” I said honestly, feeling Kgosi’s rising hope in the bond. “But… but I can suddenly see what’s more important.”

“What is it?”

“You,” I breathed and looked at her again. “Us. And Kgosi and Akhane. The four of us. Our bond. This… this unity we have. I’ve been the one making us stumble. I’ve been the unstable one.” That hurt to say. I was used to being the strong one. The leader. The one who knew the way.

But I’d ignored the wisdom of my dragon, the urging of my conscience, and in the end, my mate’s pleading.

All for my pride?

I rubbed my face, shaking my head. “I was blind.” I swallowed. “I won’t do it again, Bren. I hear you now. I won’t… I won’t leave you to that. I won’t leave you alone for that. I will do everything in my power—bend the ear of the king and queen, bring accusation and evidence and every power of persuasion God gave me. I will convict this bastard if I can. But I won’t… I won’t take his life in my hands until or unless it’s unavoidable. I won’t pursue repayment for myself anymore. You have my word.”

She stared at me and I felt both the rise of hope in her, as well as the shakiness.

“Say it,” I said, bracing to hear it. “Why do you feel uneasy when I say that?”

“Because you’ve given me your word on this more than once,” she whispered. “I believe you, Donavyn. I always want to believe you. But I saw the way you—”

“I know. And I won’t—I mean, of course I will. If it takes killing him to keep you safe, or the kingdom, I will do it without second thought. But I won’t… unleash myself on him again. I see it now, Bren. I do. Even Kgosi approves.”

She hesitated, then gave a small smile. “Akhane says Kgosi is finally sure of you… and that it took long enough.”

I huffed. ‘Couldn’t even give me a little grace?’ It was mostly a joke—we both knew he’d given me a great deal since the day we met. And yet, this was needling.

‘The best cure for pride is humility, Donavyn. I will always serve you by providing it. You have my word,’ he said with mock-gravity that would have made me roll my eyes if I wasn’t so shaky.

How was it that I’d been so blind to my selfishness in that rage?

‘Forgiving oneself is as crucial as forgiving offenses of others, Donavyn. What is important is only to remember that you’re capable of the blindness. Not to dwell in it. Be willing to be questioned. But do not wallow in self-doubt. Your strength, your loyalty, your wisdom remains. Now you have revealed a weakness, you can address it and move past it, or you can let it continue to weaken you in other ways. Which will it be?’

‘Of course I don’t want to—’

‘Tell her, not me. I am in your heart. I know the truth already. Give her the assurance.’

With a heavy sigh, I rolled to my side, facing Bren and cupped her face, stroking her cheek with my thumb, cursing the tracks tears had made on her skin, but also, so grateful that we were both here, and my head was finally clear.

“It needed to happen,” I said gruffly. Gratefully. Emotionally. “I’m sorry for your sake, but facing him like that… it needed to happen for my sake,” I admitted. “I needed to see myself and I couldn’t do it until I’d broken my own rules.”

She nodded, reaching for my hand on her cheek and twining our fingers. “So… what happens now?”