Page 12 of Heaven Help Me

“Hey, Deuce! You look like a glass of fine wine this morning.”

The woman is beaming at me and I beam right back. Maggie just makes me happy. She makes everyone happy. That’s her superpower. She comes over and we air kiss both cheeks.

“Maggie, honey, this is Landry. My girlfriend.” The g-word sounds weird to my ears but I nod, going along with my own lie.

Maggie gasps and then pulls Valentina into a hug. Valentina’s eyes go wide, glaring at me over Maggie’s shoulder. She’s stiff as a fucking board, clearly not used to being hugged by strangers. Or maybe anyone. Valentina doesn’t give off hug vibes in general.

“Oh my goodness gracious! It’s so lovely to meet you!” Maggie pulls back, oblivious to Valentina’s discomfort, and leaves her hands on Valentina’s shoulders. “Look at you. You’re as gorgeous as a glazed ham on Easter Sunday!”

Valentina’s face looks like it’s going to crack. “Thank you?”

Maggie lets her go, slides her arm through Valentina’s, and pulls her into the boutique like they’re best friends already. “Please tell me you’re here to shop. I have at least ten dresses that would look amazing on you. Are you six foot? Gosh, I wish I had long legs like you. I’d only wear miniskirts to show ’em off!”

Valentina looks at me over her shoulder, a desperation in her eyes I don’t know that I’ve ever seen. I mouth the words, fit in, but that only makes Valentina shoot daggers at me. Maggie starts throwing clothes over her arm, then she fills Valentina’s arms, and they’re headed for the dressing rooms.

“Come sit, Deuce. Landry can do a fashion show for you!” Maggie pats a velvet chair fit for a king right outside the fitting room door.

Valentina shoots me a look that I’m pretty sure would have killed a lesser man. I smirk, both at her horror and to play my part of devoted boyfriend.

“I want to see them all, Landry, baby,” I purr.

I see Valentina reach for her ankle, then pause. I’d bet my car she has a knife strapped under that pant leg. That’s just so Valentina to go boutique hopping strapped to kill. She straightens, and like a performer going onstage, her entire persona changes. When she speaks, her raspy voice is dripping with a sweetness I know she doesn’t possess.

“Thank you so much, Maggie. You’re a life saver just like my sweet honeybear Deuce was telling me.”

Maggie positively beams before retreating to give Valentina privacy to change into the first outfit. Valentina yanks the curtain closed while I try to keep from bursting out laughing. Honeybear?

Maggie and I catch up—which is mostly her gushing about Rhett and Mary London having their baby yesterday. She’s already got ten pictures of the wrinkled little thing on her phone. She shows me each one and I give the required ooh and aah, right on cue.

The curtain whips back and Valentina stands there, face wiped of all emotion. She’s in an ankle-length floral dress with tiny straps over her shoulders and a cinched-in waist. Her breasts are highlighted like a tavern wench. Maggie gushes over the milkmaid style, whatever the hell that is.

“What do you think, Deuce?” Maggie finally says, turning around to present my girlfriend in all her floral finery.

“Finer than a frog hair split four ways,” I drawl, knowing it’ll both confuse and piss off Valentina.

Maggie swipes her hand through the air, already giggling. “You have all the lines for the girls, Deuce!”

Valentina just looks at me like I’ve grown a second head. She whips the curtain closed again. Maggie ends up retreating to help other customers who come in, but Valentina shows me everything she tries on. We settle on five skirts, ten dresses, and three blouses. When I suggest she get some flat sandals, she whispers she’d rather shave her head. It earns me another growl when I suggest she change into one of the outfits right now, but she leaves the dressing room with one of the yellow floral dresses on. It doesn’t quite match with the heels, but she’ll fit in better just with the clothing change.

I wrap my arm around Valentina’s shoulders and pull her close. She growls again, which I’m starting to kind of like.

No. Wait. I don’t like it. I don’t like anything about Valentina Ricci.

“Let me go put my credit card down, baby,” I say loudly enough to make Valentina commit murder in her head.

“He’s such a charmer, isn’t he?” Maggie gushes as she starts to ring up our purchases. “You’re one lucky lady to pin him down, Landry. Deuce is Heaven’s resident flirt.”

Valentina swivels her head, her ponytail almost whipping me again. “Is that right?”

“It’s true!” Maggie continues, oblivious to the eye daggers being thrown at an alarming rate. “He’s such a brilliant businessman, and now head over heels for a woman. Almost makes me want to try dating again.”

Valentina tilts her head to the side, ruby-red lips pinched. “Brilliant businessman?” she whispers out of the side of her mouth. “I’ve seen brighter colors than you.”

My smirk turns to a genuine smile. “And now you own clothes in all those bright colors. Oh! And florals. We can’t forget the florals.” I flash my credit card at the point-of-sale machine like I’m some hero going on a clothing spree with my girlfriend.

Maggie hands the two large shopping bags to me. “Make sure you get her some flat sandals too. Can’t have her getting blisters in this heat.”

Valentina’s eyes cross, but she smooths her face and turns to Maggie. It looks a bit like a robot spasming, but she throws her arms around Maggie and squeezes a squeak out of her. It only takes a moment for Maggie to laugh and hug her back.