Page 99 of Use Me Up

ellis

I’m not sure exactly how to explain all of this to Hannah. Partly, it’s because I don’t want to go back and relive it. It was a difficult period of time in my life, and when I think of it, I feel my chest grow tight and my jaw clench and there’s an ache behind my temples. I was trying so hard, all the time, not to go to Callie.

I explain to Hannah that I found out about the website, the invite-only, alphas-only website through another omega. He was a guy I met at a modeling event, because I did try to get into modeling, but I failed at it. I got followers on social media, but not enough that I could write my own ticket. I booked things, but I screwed them up.

One time, I just drank too much the night before, slept through my alarm, and got a real late start. They fired me via text while I was on my way to the place where I was supposed to have been an hour ago.

Another time, the photographer was one of those alphas who thinks way too highly of himself, all up in his own head, and he was giving me all these sneering alpha orders. For some reason, that just made me crazy. I lost my temper. I didn’t hit anyone, but I may have destroyed some… things. I may have knocked things over and yelled and threw what you could call a fit, and…

Anyway, when I met this other omega at the modeling event, and he told me about this website, where it would be very sexy stuff, but where I didn’t necessarily have to do nudes, and where I could decide how far it went, and where it was a subscription model and all of that, I was desperate enough that it seemed like a lifeline.

I did like it, actually. I thought I got good at understanding photograph composition and I enjoyed a lot of aspects of it. I did keep all of the pictures shoulders and below. I showed my dick, not my face.

And the subscribers were these sad alphas who had never, like, touched an omega, who had spent their whole lives in marriages with betas, who had children, who were in love with their partners and families but still had this odd ache.

People don’t talk about this, really, how life is often a set of compromises, that it is very rare to get everything you want, and that most people know this, and they honestly don’t even mind it. They fall in love, and the love is big enough that it drowns everything else out. They don’t mind the things they’re missing, because they determine those things weren’t important.

But sometimes, people do mind. And those people, they can’t live in this either/or life, where they just swear off omegas forever. So, they do things like subscribe to omegas online, develop ghosts of relationships with them.

Is it cheating?

I mean, yeah, it is.

Is it worse to cheat physically, in person, instead of just onscreen, where you talk to a person who never actually touches your knot? I think so.

I’m not making excuses for these people or saying what they did with me was just fine, you understand? I’m just saying I felt bad for them.

I’m trying very hard to explain this to Hannah, who just nods and waves me on from it. I guess it’s not that big of a deal to her.

I guess she probably wants me to get to the alphas. That is what I’m supposed to be telling her.

How did I meet my alphas? I met them at a naked party, and I sucked their dicks and they sucked mine. When I say I don’t have a lot of sexual partners, maybe I’m leaving out all the dick sucking, actually. Maybe if you count all of that, I’m a little bit of a slut.

Hannah raises her eyebrows at that. So many questions.

What’s a naked party?

Where to start?

So, I did the website, and I made a lot of money, and then I didn’t need more money, but I found myself doing other things that I didn’t need to do, but saying that I was doing them for money.

Hannah gives me a horrified look, so I hasten to tell her that I wasn’t a male stripper or something, that I wasn’t a sex worker who had actual sex for mone—

I mean, maybe I was.

It’s all weird lines, right? I would do these parties where they would hire a certain amount of omegas because—apparently—omegas don’t voluntarily come to these things? And really, who could blame them? What omega is like, “Yes, sign me up, I want to go hang out with a bunch of very horny alphas at a clothing-optional party”?

So, I was not getting paid to have sex. I was paid to go to a party and be naked. And people would come to these parties and mostly just look at naked omegas. Mostly.

But Kane was, of course, very forward. Most of the people who come to these parties come dressed, even though it’s clothing-optional. For most people, just going to the naked party is enough of a thrill. They don’t need to do anything more than that.

So, Kane, though, arrived wearing only a collar with a little silver chain around it and this weird thong-cockring thing. I don’t know. His dick was sticking out. It was hard, but it was like lingerie. Gatlin was holding his “leash.”

Kane came over and talked to me. I mean, came over and propositioned me, really. He smelled… well, Hannah knows how he smells. I give her a look and she nods.

“So,” I say, “that’s how I met them.” There, maybe we’re done. Maybe she knows everything she needs to know now.

Hannah furrows her brow. “I would have thought it would have been the other way around. I would have thought Kane was holding Gatlin’s leash.”