Page 51 of Use Me Up

I part my lips. I jam my hands into my pockets.

She sighs heavily. “Okay, if you want me to come to your place after dinner, I can, but I don’t know if you should go to my mom’s, after all—”

“This—with us—it’s not perfect,” I say. “You know? You’re not…” I gesture at her. “And I’m definitely not perfect.” I touch my chest. “Admittedly, you’re, you know, pure, and I’m corrupt, and maybe that’s the…” I gesture with both hands. “But with them, I just didn’t know how to be good enough for them. You like me, but I can see…” How do I say that I can understand why she’d let me treat her like shit, so I can trust her?

That’s so fucked up.

It doesn’t even make sense.

“I’m not pure,” she says.

“Not anymore, you’re not,” I say. “But you let me, like, desecrate you.”

She smirks. “Okay, Trent Reznor.”

I start humming “Closer,” grinning.

She presses in against me, hand on my chest. “Okay, okay. Come to dinner.”

I look into her eyes. “I’m sorry, you know?”

“I do know,” she says.

I kiss her.

She kisses back, letting out a little sigh against my lips.

“I do want to, actually,” I say against her mouth.

“What?” she says.

“Fuck you like an animal.”

She shoves me off, laughing.

“Come here,” I say. “Let’s do your makeup.” Maybe she does get me closer to God.

There’s something here.

10

hannah

I go back and forth about bringing Ellis to dinner so many times that I’m not even sure that I’ve landed on bringing him when we are walking up to the door. I’m not sure that it’s not the worst idea I’ve ever had.

I’m reeling from the knowledge he’s bonded. He shouldn’t have left his alphas after they bit him. Omegas don’t do that. If they have a bond, if they’ve bitten him, there are things that are traveling through that bond, little bits of emotions, sensations, all sorts of things. His alphas can probably feel it when he’s fucking me, at least a little.

Or, who knows, maybe they are actively working to block him out, because he left them and broke their hearts.

I don’t know, but it’s yet another sign that there is nowhere to go with Ellis. I have known that since he showed up outside my door soaking wet a few nights ago, of course, but sometimes, it feels like there’s a little hope, and then I realize, actually, no, there is not.

Why did he say that thing about the thing with us happening?

Why?

He likes putting makeup on me, not that it makes much difference, really. He doesn’t put a lot on me, so it’s very understated, but I just look like me, you know, me with very understated makeup on. So, it’s not as if I actually look good.

Maybe I’m being stupid about this, because I guess I’m not ugly or anything.