Page 46 of Crossroads

“I just don’t know what to think. I’m frustrated and pissed off. I just want the world to leave me alone for a moment. And to stop coming at you.”

“I’m fine.”

I blinked up at him. “Really?”

“Really. I’m pissed off on your account. But I don’t care what the media says about me. They’ve already said the worst thing that they could. The townspeople who I will always have a grudge against thought the worst. They can’t hurt me any more than they already have. So breathe. This is not on you.”

Then he leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. I moaned into him, my hands dropping to his waist. He let his hands fall to my ass and squeezed. I rocked against him, smiling against his lips.

“What can I do for you?” he asked.

I raised a brow, trying to bring humor to the situation.

He kissed me again before taking a step back. “You don’t want to think? You want to deal with your frustration? I think I can help with that.”

I pressed my thighs together and swallowed hard.

“Follow me. I have a bunch of wood out back, and I have an axe. And you can use your favorite bat to hit things. You’re hot when you are holding that. Just saying.”

I stared at him, oddly disappointed, before I threw my head back and laughed.

This man. He constantly surprised me.

“Okay, hitting things would be good.”

“And we can use your lucky bat too.” He took my hand and squeezed before leading me back to his barn. Maybe we could do this. Maybe we could make it work.

Because in this moment, I felt like perhaps we could take on the world. Only reality would crash in soon. I knew it. We’d already had a taste of it. But for now, I could lean. I could let the facade wrap its arms around us. And we would deal with the real world later.

Chapter 13

BODHI

I rubbed the back of my neck, my chest aching, but I knew it was time. At one point I would come up here every day. Bandages on my arms, my sides, meds blissfully making it hard to think, and I would sit on the ground, the wet grass seeping into my jeans, and I had breathed. Though in the end breathing wasn’t truly easy. I wasn’t sure it could ever be. Now I stood between the three markers, wind blowing through my hair, the sun shining on my face, and I tilted my chin up slightly, and closed my eyes. If I thought about it, I could imagine the breeze being fingers, gently running along my jawline.

Though that wasn’t the case. They weren’t here. They had been gone for eons now. At least that’s what it felt like. I knelt and began to weed around the largest grave marker, knowing I had to get my kit soon to scrub it and make sure that it could brave the elements. A Colorado winter in the high mountains wasn’t easy on stone. But Courtney deserved to be remembered, as did my babies.

I let out a deep breath before running my fingers along the top of the stone.

“I’m sorry it’s been a week. And I figured you and the kids could feel me around the property just as you do here. I miss your hunting if you were gone.” My lips twitched at that thought, knowing my wife would’ve rolled her eyes at that thought.

“I’m not moving on. Because moving on would mean leaving you behind. And I don’t think that’s quite it. I don’t think it could be it. I’ll never forgive that man for taking you away from me. For the others believing I could do so. But I hope that you’re at peace wherever you are.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, angry once again that these emotions just wouldn’t go away. How hard was it to be the strong one when in this moment, everything that I had once loved was gone, nearly forgotten by so many.

“I’m working on a bassinet for one of the locals. You used to babysit her, if you remember at all. Braylin is now old enough to be a mother. And her mother was friends with your family. And so I am now making a bassinet for a child that’s not mine. A wooden cradle or whatever the hell you wanted to call it. But it was enough.

I’m never going to be able to fill another one of those. To build one with my own hands for our children, and I’m so pissed off. The one that I made our babies is gone and burned and turned to ash. How the hell am I supposed to keep the memories alive when you’re not here? How the hell am I supposed to remember every moment that we’ve lost when a fire took all of the connections to you and the kids? I hate it so fucking much.”

I winced and looked down at the two tiny headstones. One for Henry, the other for Josie. Before the moment that had darkened my life forever, I hadn’t even realized there were coffins that small. All that had been good in my life had been buried beneath my feet, and they were gone. They weren’t here. They weren’t listening. I didn’t know what existed beyond this life, but if there was a higher power, I don’t believe that they would force my children to remain here and watch me grow old while they didn’t.

And part of me couldn’t help but resent the fact that I had still been in the hospital when those impossibly small coffins had been built. That my hands had been bandaged and I hadn’t been able to build them myself.

Part of me hated the idea that my children lay beneath the earth in something not created by my own hands, and it was one more thing that I would forever blame on the man who had taken them from me. I would blame myself for not being strong enough or fast enough to save them.

I wiped away tears, knowing that there was no way for me to stop them anymore.

“I know you’ve never been to the new house. But I’m sure you know that I’ve had a visitor.” I cleared my throat, feeling awkward as hell as an aching sensation slid through my gut. I did not regret what Kiera and I had done. To do so would be cruel. And while I was an asshole, I wasn’t that much of an asshole.

“Kiera is the drummer in Wilder. I know you loved that band, and not just because of my brother. She took Malcolm’s place.” I ran my hand over my chest. “Honestly, I think you’d like her. Which makes me sound like a cruel asshole, but I loved you, Courtney. I loved you with everything that I had, and then I found even more within me so I could love those babies. It only makes sense that the woman that I would finally give into and want like I do would be someone you would approve of. At least I hope so. A woman that would love you. So I think you two would get along. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, Court. Because you’re not coming back. I know that. And I think you do too. I don’t like the phrase moving on because even though I’m not the same man I was before, I can’t forget you or the kids. That would be cruel to all of us.