Page 37 of Crease Collision

Too flirty.

Delete.

I toss the phone onto the counter, pace to the living room and back, and pick it up again.

KAI: I had a great time too! It’s a lot of fun hanging out with you, and I love how we laugh together. I love other things too, like how you wouldn’t let me come for an hour, and it hit like an earthquake when I did. Or how you tasted when I sucked you off. Today’s cleaning day for me. Maybe we could get together again tomorrow or the next day?

That’s better, so I hit send.

Then I freak. Was that too much talking about sex?

A reply comes less than a minute later.

OSKAR: Do not work too hard. I’d love to see you anytime. My schedule is free, so tell me when.

God, look what I’ve done. I can’t help myself.

KAI: Sounds good. I’ll text you later with a time.

OSKAR: I’ll be here.

I set the phone down and wipe the same clean section of counter three times. My legs won’t stay still, and I’m halfway to the dishwasher before I veer toward the hall.

Reset room. Now.

I start the eucalyptus diffuser and grab a fidget ball before landing on the couch.

How can I want him so much yet be this afraid?

This is too familiar. He leaves me with his smile imprinted on my mind, texts to ask what I’m doing. He acts like we could be something.

Back in college, I’d believed it until I learned not to believe in anything. I should have known better than to trust someone could want me then, so why am I letting these fantasies drive me crazy now?

The eucalyptus smell disappears, replaced by detergent, sweat, and the stale heat of the athletes’ dorm.

“I love you,” he said, wrapping me in his arms.

“Love you too.” I kissed him and pulled the covers over us.

“Never want to be without you, Kai.”

“You don’t have to be.”

I’d thought I had it all. A spot as starting goalie at one of the biggest hockey schools, the Condors asking me every month if I was sure I wanted to finish college before joining the team, and the most amazing boyfriend in the world.

When I started uncovering lies, I found ways to ignore them.

He had to study for an exam, but one of my teammates saw him at a football team party. Of course, there was an explanation. He burned out on studying and needed something to do; since I’d gone to a movie with friends, he went to the party. He forgot to tell me about it, but that was understandable because he was so tense about his big test.

Another time, he went home to see his folks on my birthday weekend because his mom wasn’t feeling well. Later, I found a ticket stub from a concert in Boston. It had been on the night of my birthday. When I asked, he told me his mom had called to say she was feeling better. He’d forgotten it was my birthday, so he accepted the ticket from a friend.

But when I learned he was seeing another guy, I couldn’t make excuses for him anymore. Thinking maybe we could work things out, I confronted him.

“You said you loved me.”

“I do, but you wear me out. Everything with you is so much, Kai. Sometimes I can’t think. I need air.”

“‘Air’ means fucking someone else?”