Page 32 of Bluebell’s Fate

Perhaps this was how he could help her find happiness. He could help her find a purpose, a reason for being. “What would you consider to be meaningful?”

“Love,” she answered without hesitation. “What would you consider to be meaningful?”

Nathaniel held in a groan. Love wasn’t something that could be planned. His own parents got along most of the time, but he knew that theirs was not a love match. What would that even look like? Was it something he could create? Did he have much of a choice? If love was something his wife so obviously found important, he would have to. “I find meaning in a job well done, and…” What else did he find meaning in?

“We are very unalike, aren’t we?”

That would be putting it mildly. “Yes, but that does not mean we need to be at odds with each other. You might be surprised to hear it, but I get along well with my Grandmother Hamilton—and she is very similar to you.”

Bell smiled up at him, a genuine smile that shone through the darkness around them and reminded him of the sketch of the girl hanging in his bed chamber. She squeezed his arm. “Then perhaps there is hope for us after all.”

Nathaniel’s heart stuttered even as thunder rumbled around them. Bell’s beauty was enhanced ten-fold when she was happy, and he intended to make her happiness his first priority. “I’d like to think so,” he said.

“How did you develop a relationship with your grandmother?”

Now it was his turn to smile. If he could recreate the caring relationship he had with his grandmother, he could form a bond with Bell. He racked his brain for things he did to earn his grandmother’s love; nothing was apparent. He’d never planned on loving his grandmother, nor made plans in order to earn her love in return. It had always been there, freely given, and impossible to escape. Even at Nathaniel’s most trying times, she’d seen and valued him. Before his brother’s death, she’d loved him. The truth was painfully obvious to him in that moment—he’d done nothing to cause his grandmother to love him—thus he had no plan moving forward with Bell. “I don’t know how it happened. Maybe she always loved me out of obligation, although it never felt like that.”

“I know what you mean. But I think she loved us both because that is who she is.”

Nathaniel stopped walking and ran a hand through his hair. Dark had settled over the landscape fully. He could still make out the lane and some trees, but for the most part he didn’t know where he was going. Making a plan on forming a relationship felt much the same: like he was walking in the dark, guessing at which direction to take. “What are we going to do, Bell?”

He hoped she didn’t hear the desperation in his voice. That piece of his shattered soul that only wanted to be accepted, wanted to be enough, was crying out in anguish that once again, he wasn’t measuring up to who he ought to be.

She wrapped her arms around his middle and rested her cheek on his chest. His heart beat wildly at her embrace—he was certain she could feel the pounding. Nathaniel allowed himself to wrap his arms around her precious frame and held her close. A floral scent tickled his nose, and he rested his chin atop of her head. Somehow, in this state of weakness, he felt stronger. With his wife’s arms wrapped around him, he could face the challenges that lay ahead of them. Nathaniel’s hopes lifted a fraction. “I’m sure we’ll figure something out. And this is a good place to start.”

A sprinkling of rain fell on Nathaniel’s cheek, and he looked up at the dark sky. “I guess we ought to get back to the house.”

Before he could release her, she reached up, and cupped his face with both of her hands. “I believe we need to spend more time together.”

That was a plan he could agree with. It was a beginning. And from his current position, he had every reason to believe that it was a plan he would enjoy immensely. He bent down and placed a kiss on her cheek. “That is a splendid idea.”

In reality, he knew it wouldn’t be easy. Cutting his ties with Cairnsby Hall and his father would take some time. That was alright; Nathaniel was accustomed to difficult tasks. At the moment, he wanted to kiss Bell fully like he had in her woods. If the warmth in her cheeks was an indication of what could be between them, there was hope indeed. But he refused to force himself upon her again.

The heavens had different plans, for they opened their wrath upon them all at once. A strong gust of wind brought a downpour that whipped around them, breaking their moment of contentment. Nathaniel shrugged off his coat, and wrapped Bell in the protective layer. He took her hand in his, and they ran together back to Cairnsby Cottage, breathing hard and splashing through the mud. The sound of Bell’s laughter piercing through the storm rang through his mind like an aria.

Chapter Twenty-one

Bell slept late the next morning. Between reading the incriminating letter from the mysterious Linda, and her examination of her growing feelings for her husband, she’d been up much of the night, staring a hole through the door that led to her husband’s room. He’d acted so gallantly on their late-night adventure: protective, kind, and caring. Not once had he made her feel like a burden. He intended to spend more time with her, which was promising indeed. But the most surprising revelation to Bell was that she had wanted, quite badly, to kiss her husband last night—and that scared her. Especially after she’d read that terrible letter. Not that the letter was to him, thank goodness…it was much older than that.

Really, she was trying her best to forget all about it. Not wanting anyone else to find the parchment, she hid it between the pages of a book on her nightstand. Bell needed time to decide what action, if any, she ought to take after finding it.

Her concerns about Nathaniel’s faithfulness were at the forefront of her mind this morning. Nathaniel was either very adept at acting, or he was hiding his scandalous behavior. In the days that they had been married, he hadn’t acted like a scoundrel in the least. Well, if one forgot about their wedding night. She hoped—rather than believed—she’d misunderstood that particular situation. But ever since that day, he’d been busy, driven, focused, and kind. She’d not detected any hints of deception in his countenance. What if…what if today was the day she really began to know and understand her husband? What if, when they spent time together, some of her dreams of love came true?

Sutton assisted Bell in preparing for the day, and Bell quickly made her way to the kitchen to find some breakfast. Mrs. Carter was there, once again writing on a piece of paper. “Good morning, Mrs. Carter.”

The motherly woman stood and crossed to Bell. “Good morning, my lady.” She looked into Bell’s eyes with intensity. “How did you fare with Mr. and Mrs. Payne?”

“Not as well as I’d have hoped, but better than you seem to be expecting. Nathaniel and Rose were quite protective of me, I assure you.”

Mrs. Carter smiled. “As they should be. Now, what can I do for you?” She wiped her hands on her apron.

“I’m just looking for a bite to eat.” She swallowed her nervousness. “Do you know where Nathaniel is?” She was anxious to see him again. How would he greet her? With a kiss on her hand, perhaps? Would he one day wrap her into his arms each morning, and make her feel wanted and adored like the men of her stories?

Mrs. Carter walked over to a cupboard and pulled out a plate. “Mr. Payne left a couple hours ago to work up at Cairnsby Hall.” She placed a thick slice of bread on the plate and spread some strawberry preserves over it before handing it to Bell.

As delicious as the offering looked, Bell suddenly lost her appetite. Nathaniel left? Again? After everything they’d talked about last night? After they’d made plans to spend more time together? It seemed she’d misunderstood the depth of his intentions. She thanked Mrs. Carter and numbly took the plate to the dining room. Bell sat, staring blankly before her. What was she to do now? Once again, she found herself alone. It was an option to walk over to Cairnsby Hall, but not having been there before discouraged her. What took him there so often? Heat rushed into her cheeks. Was there some beautiful, young servant he sought? She had a feeling that she really did not want to know. She didn’t know who else was present at Cairnsby Hall, aside from Rose and Frederick.

Bell pushed back from the table, her breakfast untouched. When she reached the top of the stairs, she turned away from her bedchamber, and went once again to the end of the corridor. She needed to find something to occupy herself. Without her woods to turn to, the ideas that seeped into her mind were dark and directionless. Could she scrub the blue room clean enough for her to forget the sins of the past that she wished she never knew took place there? Perhaps if she put enough work into preparing the blue room, she could convince Rose and Frederick to stay here with her? The blue room couldn’t be left desolate forever.