Page 92 of Smitty

I did.

I didn’t want to lose him.

But I feared I already had. And if I hadn’t, it was only a matter of time. That thought made my heart ache. My life was unraveling so quickly I could barely remember what normal felt like. I wanted to say that to him, but I couldn’t find the words.

He could see that I was struggling, so he dropped his duffle bag and sat on the edge of the coffee table, facing me with a look of concern. “I’ve been trying to give you space. I thought that was what you needed, but…”

“It was.”

“Why doesn’t it feel that way?”

“Because it’s all so hard.” I looked down at my hands as I told him, “I wanted to make sure I’m doing the right thing.”

“And are you?”

“Yes. Without a doubt.”

Silence stretched between us. He knew I’d made my choice, and it wasn’t him. In true Ryan fashion, he didn’t get angry. He didn’t yell and tell me I was wrong. He simply let the truth of the realization sink in. Eventually, he asked the question I knew was coming. “What happens now?”

“I don’t know.”

I wished I’d had a better answer. He certainly deserved one, but that was all I had. He let out a quiet breath that almost sounded like a laugh. “You know, but you just don’t have the guts to say it.”

“Ryan.”

“You want him… You’ve always wanted him.”

His words took my breath. Not because they weren’t true, but because they weren’t that simple. “I never told you I didn’t. You knew I loved him and how hard it was to lose him. You also knew how much I cared about you… You’re my best friend. I’ve been closer to you than anyone, and the last thing I want to do is hurt.”

“Too late for that.”

“I’m sorry, Ryan. I never meant for things to play out like this.”

“And yet, here we stand.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.”

“When you finally told me about Brayden, I kept hoping that this was about Anslee.”

“It is.”

“It was never just about her.” His eyes met mine. “It was about him, too.”

He was right.

Seeing Brayden again hadn’t brought on new feelings. It had simply confirmed that they’d never gone away. There was no way to explain that to him, so I left those words unsaid. He glanced back over his shoulder and stared down the hallway to Anslee’s room as he said, “I loved her like she was my own… I still do.”

“I know, and she loves you. She has from that first day in the park.”

“I loved you, too.”

The crack in his voice was almost too much to bear. Tears filled my eyes as I told him, “Ryan...”

“I kept thinking if I was patient… if I loved you both enough, eventually you would come around and feel for me the way I do about you.”

“I shouldn’t have moved in here. I shouldn’t have let us get so close. That’s on me, and I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair to you. I was just too selfish to see it.”

“I wanted you here. I still do.”