Page 37 of Twisted Needs

I open my mouth to argue, but there’s really no point. Diminishing this and chalking it up into Anders simply being a little too clingy would be the easy way out, but that’s not fair to him. What we’ve been doing isn’t one sided.

“I swear to God, Luca,” I say quietly. “I won’t touch him.”

“Don’t make a promise just because you feel guilty.”

I let out a tired laugh. “Well that’s really unfortunate, because that’s exactly how I feel.”

Luca ignores me. “I need to know you actually mean it.”

“I promise you,” I tell him. “I won’t touch him.”

The words settle heavily in my chest.

This is it. This is where I draw the line and hold my ground. I thought I could control myself, but it’s painfully obvious Anders has a stronger hold on me than I thought. And I can't blame him for that. It’s all my fault.

“Thank you.” Luca lets out a slow breath. “You know how important he is to me.”

“I know.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “If I left you under the impression that I was⁠—”

“Cut the shit, Park.” Luca sighs. “You’re digging yourself into a bigger hole right now.”

“Okay.” I scrub a hand over my face. “I’ll back off, man.”

“You need to.” The words sting because I know he’s right. Of course he’s fucking right. Everything about Anders and I has been wrong. “You know he trusts you,” Luca says.

I shut my eyes.

This hurts more than I could have ever imagined because when I close my eyes, all I see is Anders sitting at my kitchen island. He’s sprawled out on the couch with a book in his hand. He’s digging around in the freezer trying to reorganize it for the umpteenth time.

Trust has always come too easily from him. Hell, I’ve told Anders that he’s too trusting. And I still took advantage.

He’s spent most of his life looking for people who would stay.

“Don’t fuck that up,” Luca continues. “The last thing he needs is to lose his safe person.”

For a long moment, I can’t speak.

His safe person. I’m his safe person.

What the hell was I thinking? This is Anders. I’ve only ever been someone who looks out for him. Nothing else should inherently matter.

The thought of hurting him or breaking his trust causes a striking pain to settle within my stomach, making me nauseous.

“I won’t let that happen.” My voice comes out rough. “I mean it, Luca.”

For the first time all night, Luca softens. “Okay,” he murmurs.

The conversation winds down after that. Neither of us has much left to say.

When the call finally ends, I sit alone in the silence.

For a long time, I just stare at nothing.

I think about Anders some more. I think about the way I would give just about anything to hear him walk through the front door and tell me he’s home. To hear him trudge up the stairs—maybe he’ll even drop his phone on his foot and spew out a slur of vulgarities. It’s happened more than once. It would be so easy to hear his voice and just convince myself that everything is fine. That I’m not some sort of monster who is so selfish enough to want something impossible.

The truth is painful to admit.

I was never supposed to be Anders’ lover. I was supposed to be the person who protected him from people like me. And if I actually care about him as much as I claim to, then I need to start acting like it.