Page 154 of Twisted Needs

I don’t think I’ll ever completely forgive myself for that.

“I think you should publish it.”

Anders immediately lifts his head. “What?”

“I think you should publish it.”

He laughs once. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because absolutely not.”

I smile despite myself. “It’s good, baby.” His expression softens a little then. I reach up and brush my thumb across his cheek. The emotional exhaustion is still there. I can see it in his eyes. “And you wrote something honest,” I whisper. He looks away. “I mean it, Anders. You wrote something honest, and people connect with honesty.”

He’s quiet for a moment before sighing. “Academia is the safer option.”

“Of course it is.”

“I like safe.”

“You’ve spent your entire life trying to build stability for yourself,” I tell him. “And I understand why. But stability isn’t supposed to become a cage.” His eyes flick back up to mine. “You don’t have to spend the rest of your life surviving.”

The room falls quiet after that. I can practically see him thinking. He’s running through every possible outcome before any of them have happened like he always does. It’s one of the things I love most about him. It’s also one of the things that exhausts him.

“You need me to need you,” he says finally.

The words don’t hurt as much as they would’ve a few months ago. They’re absolutely fair. I think about them for a second before answering. “Maybe I used to.”

He watches me carefully. “I think for a long time I liked being necessary because it made me feel secure.” I smooth my hand slowly up and down his back. “But those aren’t the same thing.” His expression softens. “I don’t need you to stay because you feel responsible for me.” The words are harder to say than they should be. “I need you to stay because you want to.” All I want is for him to build the biggest life possible and let me be part of it.

“I’ll think about it,” he says quietly.

I kiss his forehead. “That’s all I’m asking.”

Then I pull him closer and hold him there. The knot in my chest finally loosens a little.

“I love you,” I murmur. “More than anything.” I grab his hand and put it over my heart, letting out a deep sigh of relief. “I know what love is.”

His expression becomes tender as he swipes his hand over my skin. Then he settles back against my body, folding the distance. “You love me?” He asks softly.

“Anders,” I whisper. “You’re the love of my life.”

“Good.” He looks up at me through his lashes, narrowing his eyes. “What about Aunt Jen?”

“Baby, please don’t call my ex-wife your aunt,” I sigh, holding him closer to me. His mouth curls crookedly. “I mean…I loved her…” I answer him. “I still do. She’s one of my closest friends.”

“I know.”

“But it wasn’t the all-consuming kind…” I swallow hard. “I love you because you’re a part of me, Anders. I love you in so many different ways.” I blink. “I guess I just feel like…you’re mine,” I confess. “And maybe some twisted part of me feels like you always have been…”

He inhales deeply, but I don’t see anything concerning cross his face. He’s just hearing me out…waiting to hear whatever insane thing I’m trying to dance around.

“Do you feel like that?” I ask him instead, dragging my fingers up and down his back.

Anders nods silently. “I know what you mean.” He closes his eyes and settles against me. “It’s what I need.”

“I know you do.” It isn’t some revelation. Of course I know it’s what he needs. We both know exactly what this is.