Page 176 of The Bonds of Indigo

I take a shaky breath and force myself to look at him again. He’s still several feet away, but it feels like he’s breathing down my throat with how suffocating the distance is. Not because I don’t want him close, but because if he steps into my space, I know I won’t be able to push him away again. I won’t survive it.

“You couldn’t have done me the decency of at least saying goodbye? To tell me you were done with me?”

The way he says done makes my skin prickle. I’d never, ever, thought I could be done with him. I’ve never wanted anything in my entire existence more than him. I just couldn’t allow myself to hope for eternity with him.

That didn’t mean I didn’t want it.

“You wouldn’t have let me go⁠—”

“Damn fucking right, I wouldn’t have!”

Despite everything, I smile and I can’t help the breath of a laugh that escapes me. “Always the dom.”

“Tell me it was because you were done with me, Lucifer.” His voice is steady, but I know the exact moment he’s on the verge of breaking. The right corner of his lip twitches, so slight it would go unnoticed by anyone else, and his jaw locks tight. “Tell me that all our years together, you threw them away because you were fucking tired of me. That you wanted something—someone—else.”

I damn near shake my head, but I’m able to stifle the instant reaction to deny it. “It isn’t as simple as that.”

“It was pretty simple to just leave me in bed one night and never come back.”

Turning from him, I drag my fingers through my hair. Telling him what happened will be his death sentence. He won’t leave here willingly, and I’ll have to throw him out. Then, the moment I send Amarah back to him, he’ll have her opening the gates again to try to retrieve me. Now he knows where I am, and if he finds out my father has trapped me into servitude, he will get himself killed.

I didn’t suffer through these past four hundred mortal years without him just so he could die now.

“Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, Kayn.” I turn just enough to see him still unmoving in the center of the foyer, rigid as stone. The sight pulls a pained sigh from my lungs. “But we were done.”

A sharp pain stabs beneath my ribs—my Vigoro rebuking me—and I barely manage not to flinch.

He nods once. “I see… but, little deviant, that’s where you’re so fucking wrong. We were never done.”

I throw my head back and shake it. “You don’t get a say in both our lives…” Even if I want you to control every part of mine. “I’m sorry… but this could never work. But look—” I gesture toward the hallway where Amarah disappeared. “You have her, and I’m so happy for you. Let’s not make this any more difficult than it needs to be. Let’s not open old wounds⁠—”

“My wound never CLOSED, Lucifer!” he explodes, and I swear the whole world shakes with his voice. “I’ve just been patching it, covering it so I could survive! Just because I’m still fucking alive doesn’t mean I’m living. Stop lying to me and tell me the godsdamn truth!”

Shaking my head, I stand in defiance. I only told Amarah the truth because I needed her to trust me. Before she gets the chance, I’ll take the memory of why… and I won’t allow her to speak it to Kayn.

“Tell me to leave then. I’ll take Amarah and go if that’s really what you want.”

What I want…

As I hesitate, I see the flicker of hope ignite in his crimson eyes.

“Is that what you want? Look at me and tell me it is. This is your chance to convince me that’s what happened.”

I meet his deep-set gaze—framed by thick brows, slightly arched—and I hate how easily he sees through me. He knows I can’t lie to him. If there’s anyone in all three realms who can see me, it’s this gorgeous asshole.

“Why’d you have to show up…” My temples throb as I clench my hands into fists. “Back into my life. And not alone, either. What did I do to that bitch, Fate, that she’d fuck me over so badly?”

His chiseled cheekbones twitch, and even beneath his full beard, I see his jaw flex.

“You’ve forced me to have to lose you a second time, Kayn. Fuck you… You don’t get it.”

“You never lost me, little deviant. I was always there. And at any point, you could’ve come right back into my life. I’d have punished you, but I never would’ve turned you away. I was the one who lost you.”

I step back, and as if on instinct, he advances forward. His gaze drops to my feet, then snaps back up.

“Tell me to leave because it’s what you want and I’ll go. I’ll walk away from you just like you did to me.”

I don’t have the strength to do this, and I wish he’d never come here. I’m going to kill whoever told him I was here. This cannot be my nightmare. It just can’t.