Page 89 of Slow Hands Cowboy

That was funny. Because, of course, her mom would think that everything was business as usual. But Addison felt disconnected because everything was part of rebuilding after the insanity with the wedding.

“Well, I felt kind of out of it.”

“Of course you have. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I just can’t believe he did that to you.”

Addison wanted to ask her mom... how had she done it? How had she run away from her dad? From her kids?

But her mom clearly wasn’t equating the two things. But to Addison it felt so much the same.

Of course that didn’t mean that she couldn’t feel sorry for Addison now, but she hadn’t felt bad for Addison then.

At least, not as far as Addison knew.

“I don’t know,” Addison said.

“You haven’t talked to him?”

“I have. I just haven’t had a real serious conversation with him. When I came to pick up my stuff he was angry. So there wasn’t much to say.”

She almost told her mom that he said Addison was like her.

But she actually didn’t want to be hurtful. And everything inside of her felt churned up and confused. It was just not a good time to be having this conversation, and yet, it had felt like the right time to call her mom.

“Addison. I know we haven’t been that close. But you know that if you ever need a place to stay, you can always stay with me.”

Addison bit back all kinds of things she knew she shouldn’t say.

Like why was that offer only on the table now? And why hadn’t she even offered this a couple of weeks ago? Why hadn’t they been close? Why hadn’t her mom more aggressively tried to repair things? Why hadn’t she tried to repair them sooner?

Why had she done any of this in the first place, because it was her leaving that had caused Addison all these issues in the first place.

But she bit all that back. All of it.

“Thank you, Mom. I’ll keep that in mind if I need somewhere to go.”

Silence dragged between them and Addison pulled away from the curb. She suddenly felt small and vulnerable and genuinely had no idea what to say.

“I do love you,” her mom said. “I always have. And I’ve always wanted to explain myself. Just a little bit more.”

What explanation could there possibly be? What explanation could there possibly be for leaving your kids behind?

“I don’t need you to do that,” Addison said.

“I’m sorry,” her mom said. “Because I didn’t know how to do what I did without putting distance between myself and your dad.”

Addison drove through town, mindful of the speed limit, thoughts racing through her head. “Was Dad abusive? Were you scared of him?”

“No. No. Of course not. Your dad is very much the man that he appears to be. But he was very angry when he discovered the affair. Very angry, and he was very honest with you and Jackson. And that was fair.”

The words parental alienation slid through her mind, and she let them pass out the other side.

She didn’t feel like her dad had done that on purpose. But maybe he had done it a little bit. Just by being honest about what had happened. By making their mother a cautionary tale. And for the first time she asked herself, if her mother even had tried to visit, would she have wanted to see her? She wished that the answer were yes. But she genuinely wasn’t sure.

“And I’ll be really honest with you, I was ashamed. I was too ashamed to face my parents, I was too ashamed to face the town. But I was too ashamed to face you and Jackson. So I stayed away because it felt easier. And then, you were older, and I was embarrassed and ashamed with how long I’d stayed away. And when I found out you were going to school down near me, I knew that we would have a chance to reconnect, and we have, compared to where we were before. Even if imperfectly. But I just want you to know that so much of what happened is because I was ashamed.”

“Did you love my dad?”

She needed to know the answer to that question. Needed to know because it was going to help her figure a few things out.