Page 103 of Slow Hands Cowboy

“No.”

“Seriously? Not even to make out? Everybody used to go up there and make out.”

The ridge itself wasn’t on the ranch property, she knew. And she also was well aware that it was a popular makeout spot.

“No. I didn’t do making out in cars. I couldn’t risk getting caught.”

“Who cares? Oh, I guess... I guess you did.”

“Yes. I didn’t have sex with Alan until after graduation. We were going to different colleges, and I felt like we should sleep together because we were going to break up and it didn’t seem right to have dated him off and on that long without... I don’t know, I liked the idea of my high school boyfriend being my first.”

“Do you plan everything out like that? You have a rationale for every guy you’ve slept with. And it sounds to me like you gave every excuse except that you wanted him.”

“Yeah. That’s true. I did do that. Except you. I just wanted you. And that was true back then. Anna told me that she thinks you wanted me too.”

The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them.

He didn’t say anything.

“Of course I did. I wanted you so much I couldn’t see straight. And you hated me.”

“I didn’t hate you⁠—”

“I know that now. I do. But, I didn’t know it then. When you were mean to me, it fueled something inside of me, that same kind of anger that drives me now. I just love the idea of proving people wrong. And I loved doing it to you. I got off on not responding to it.”

“So you were doing that on purpose? I just thought you really didn’t... I mean, I really thought that you didn’t care.”

“Oh, I fucking cared,” he said. “I cared so much. I about made myself sick with it. You know how high school crushes are.”

A crush. He’d had a crush on her, which meant that he more than wanted her. He’d had feelings for her. Even if crushes were unreliable, didn’t actually speak to deep feelings, it didn’t much matter. It still meant something.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Sorry. Didn’t mean to be a sad sack. It’s not a big deal. We all have crushes, we get over them.”

“You had a crush on me, and I did that to you.”

“Yeah,” he said.

She put her hand over her mouth, tears sliding down her cheeks. “I know we’ve been over this, but I’m just so sorry. Even apologizing to you, I’ve mainly thought about myself. What I was doing, what my motivation was. But I didn’t even think that you... that you liked me.”

“I liked you and I hated you. You were the absolute bane of my existence. And the person that I wanted more than anything else. And that was a pretty twisted up set of fantasies. I’ll tell you that. I got over it. Mostly.”

“Did you really sleep with somebody else that night?”

“I sure as hell did. I did not wait until graduation to lose my virginity.”

“Right.”

“Why did you?”

“To prove that I could,” she said. “Also, I was always kind of running a cost-benefit analysis on the whole thing. I had to decide at what point if I accidentally got pregnant, it would totally ruin my life.”

“Not super trusting of condoms?”

“I wasn’t trusting of anything. But I was on the pill before the first time I had sex, and I had him use condoms. We were still doing that.”

“So you don’t want kids?”