Page 47 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

“Welcome, Subjects 12 and S 52. You are now on Floor Four,” the loudspeakers voiced droned with its familiar upbeat precision.

Pebbles shook me loose and quickly pulled the shield back inside. I scrambled up just in time for them to slam the door in my face. Beating my fists against the metal, I slumped to my knees and sobbed brokenly, “I’ll fuck him!”

“In this trial, your task is to restore the village’s Star of Hope to the tree in the center of the town square before the time is up. Without the Star of Hope to light the way, the people of the town will lose the transaction of Christmas. Please report to the town square to begin your quest. You have three days.”

I dug my fingers into the crease of the door and pulled for all I was worth. My freezing fingers slipped uselessly against it again and again until I screamed with rage.

“Are you done?” Osid asked.

I shot him a look of disdain and hissed, “Obviously not.” The fact that I could see my breath only enraged me more, and I screamed at the loudspeaker, “AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THE TRANSACTION OF CHRISTMAS?”

“Come on, enough yowling.” With his powerful hands, Osid yanked me to my feet. The warmth of his touch was a boon in this frozen hell, and I latched on to his arm. Pressing as much of my body up against him as possible. My face buried into the heat of his shoulder, and I shivered in relief. Without thinking, I unzipped my jacket for better access, unbuttoned the tie of his cloak, and slipped beneath, hugging my arms around his torso. “Shield me.”

He let out a chuckle—deep, low, and undeniably smug. It wasn’t loud, almost secretive, like he’d just won the trick in spades. Osid wrapped his arms around me and settled his chin on top of my head. “You caved…so quickly.”

If he weren’t so goddamn warm, I’d shove snow down his pants. “Shut up.”

His hold on me loosened. “I could just let you go.”

“Don’t be petty, husband, shield me.”

“Oh, I’m husband now?”

“Husband! Shield me!”

“Blair the Mighty, done in by a little chill.”

“You teal spotted toad.”

“Shh, woman, shh.” He pulled me closer and stroked a hand over my hair.

“Don’t touch my hair.”

Laughter rumbled in his chest, and the hand fell to the back of my neck. I tried not to moan at the warmth of it. As much as I’d normally love to lament over the loss of my pride, it was just too cold for that. I could go back to hating this prick once we were safely back inside.

I buried my nose in his chest. “You smell good. What is that?”

“Buruma root and julunin.”

“I’m guessing that’s some kind of fancy alien soap?”

“It’s soap, nothing compared to what I had access to back on Sankatul, but it does the job.”

“What’s Sankatul?”

“My home planet.”

“I thought Dory said it was called Krydon 4 or something.”

“The Biwbans named it that, not us. Are we going to report to the town hall and get this task over with, or are you going to stand here and sniff me all day?”

Cold wind nipped at every piece of exposed skin, making me shiver. “Get them to turn the heat back on and we’ll talk.”

“Thanks to you, I doubt they’ll ever turn the heat on inside these trials again.”

I peeked up at him. “What do you mean?”

With a wry smile he asked, “You haven’t noticed?” When my brows drew together, he continued. “It started getting colder the moment you grabbed onto me.”