Page 36 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

“Hello, woman.”

“I don’t waste food. Nor do I date men who waste food. Which means I’ll get through this Crucible without you.” I gestured to his horns. “That spiky upgrade you got was because of me, and thanks to that, it sounds like you got everything you needed from Dory’s man. Now you and all your merry band of kidnapping assholes can go back to your circle jerk. Enjoy it. It’s the last thing I’m ever gonna do for you. Fuck off and let me enjoy the rest of this date.”

The king wasn’t considerate enough to fuck off; instead he chose to relieve the dark-haired android of his chair and linger across from me while I ate. Menacingly.

Refusing to look up from my meal, I said, “I’m not sharing.”

“I don’t want you to fucking share.”

Sighing, I set down my utensils and met his gaze. “Then what do you want?”

Osid looked to his left, then his right. Then he put a hand over his heart as if in shock. “Me? You’re finally asking me what I want?” He leaned forward and rested his arms on the table. “I thought I was doomed to sit here and watch which poison you choose to suffer through instead of listening to your mate.”

It was my turn to look around. “They brought Subject B in here already?”

Teal eyes clawed at me like talons. Through clenched teeth, he asked, “Tell me, wife, any numbness set in?” He brought his hand up and flexed his fingers. “Any tingling of digits yet?”

“If I pretend to choke to death, will you go away and let me eat?”

Osid crossed his arms over his chest and took a long breath. “I’m being unfair—”

“Ya think?” I asked. “Look, speaking to you normally isn’t working, so how about a limerick?” Without waiting for a response, I continued, “There once was a man from Waffles, who threw innocent women in coffles. But his supposed mate, named Blair, escaped and did solemnly swear, if he did it again, she’d spill his offals.”

“I told you I’m not from here. We were taken from our home planet.”

My head fell to my hands. “Your Highness, just shut the fuck up.”

“My title sounds like venom on your lips. You will address me as just Osid.”

“You don’t call me by my name.”

He looked surprised by this. “Call me by my name, Blair.”

“…No.”

Smoke rose from behind him, yet his face was schooled into impassive professionalism. “You’ve every right to be angry with me due to the unpleasantness I’ve shown you at first. As king, I must do whatever is necessary to ensure the survival of my people, and that means taking advantage of any opportunity I’m dealt, but I am willing to apologize if it means we can move forward.”

“An apology with conditions is not an apology.”

A large plume bellowed behind him. It was only by the grace of the Biwban’s lack of OSHA regulations that fire alarms weren’t blaring overhead. “You wicked, venomous creature! A king is trying to own up to his mistakes, and you throw it back at him. A lesser man would mount your head outside the fortress walls for the scavengers to pick at.”

Rage blinded me. “You chained me to the bully from The Land Before Time!”

He tilted his head, confused. “The horncrest?”

“Yes, the triceratops!” I got up from my seat, gathered my plate, and prepared to switch tables. But when I turned around, every other table dissolved into a sea of pixels and vanished into the floor. Behind me, Osid chuckled and nudged my chair out with his hoof.

“You are so lucky they lost my pistol,” I said, setting my plate back down.

“I’m sure you can find another way to maim me if you put your mind to it.”

We both eyed the fork in my hand.

He rested his head on his hand and watched me eat. “What is that slop anyway?”

“Seeing as you wasted your plate, you’ll never know.”

He grinned. “I’ve already apologized, do you really intend to not let this go?”