Page 33 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

The murderous glare intensified. What could I say? He was cute when he was mad.

The doctor let out a chittering noise and fussed with the feathers on her wing. “I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that, Subject 12. The serum itself isn’t what selects the mate for you, it only makes you susceptible to a Sankado male’s pheromones. You’ve already responded positively to Subject S 52. There’s nothing we can do to reverse that. Besides, there’s no guarantee you would respond to anyone else. When we run your brain scans through our system, you only had a 70 percent match or above with three males on this entire planet. The highest of which is sitting right next to you. That’s why the escape pod you used to leave the ship directed you to him.”

“Wait, y’all sent me into that forest fire on purpose?” I hollered.

“No!” she said quickly. “Well, yes, but at the time we had no idea your highest match was in an unsafe location. When the captain of the transport ship was informed that two subjects were using the pods to escape, she instructed the navigations team to coordinate your pods to land near your closest match. Having you both start off in the soft enclosure with the rest of the females was the initial plan; however we would be remiss to squander such an opportunity. You and Subject 4 were to be used as a trial run. So to speak.”

I made the mistake of looking at my companion, who had no right to look that smug while still bound and gagged. I shrugged and turned back to the doctor. “So you’re saying there’re still two other matches I could possibly choose? Two still means I’ve got options, and as far as I’m aware, neither of them have taken me hostage. Set up a date with those two, and we’ll see how it goes.”

Dr. Hilt shook her head. “Unfortunately Subject B 94 traveled outside our satellite range, and we don’t have enough resources to send out a hunt for one male.”

“Okay, but the next guy.”

“Subject K 5 was eaten by a Tyrannosaurus last week.”

“Well damn, Doc, work with me here!”

“Erasing your memory is still an option.” The good doctor waved a wing to the mirror, where it split into four different screens, all showing various cartoons of couples in different scenarios. “Our computer systems have taken the liberty of mapping out various new meet-cutes we could arrange for you. We believe a fresh start might be the best in both your cases.”

“Doc, you are not wiping my memory. Push that thought from your little bird brain. And I don’t know what possessed you to think your lack of manpower was going to be my problem, but I assure you, it’s not. If you want me to play along, bring me a man I don’t fantasize about pushing off a cliff.”

The doctor blinked at me owlishly before responding in a slow, measured tone. “It is imperative that we begin to see results of this program as soon as possible. It would be in both your and our best interests if you put these petty squabbles aside and give this pairing a chance.”

“What, are you up for budget renewal or something? We just got to this planet less than a week ago. Why do you need immediate results?”

A look of agitation crossed her face, and she glanced nervously at the two-way mirror. “The BCI has been working tirelessly on the Sankado repopulation effort for the past twelve years. Now that we’ve stabilized the planet’s atmosphere and given the males enough time to adjust, the addition of females is the last step in this long-awaited process. We will do whatever is necessary to ensure this mission is a success.”

“Aside from assigning me a new mate. Seems like you’re not all that interested in my success.”

“Your cooperation is preferred, not required.”

I lifted my chin. “If you think for a hot second I won’t stab myself in the womb out of pure spite, I beg of you”—I leaned in farther, daring this little bird to keep trying me—“call my bluff.”

From the horrified look on both the doctor’s and Osid’s faces, I knew they didn’t have the stones. Dr. Hilt swallowed nervously. “Subject 12—”

“My name is Blair.”

“Blair,” the doctor conceded. “Perhaps we were going about this all wrong. When we first discovered humans, we thought you were only a tier 2 species. Not capable of advanced rational thought. Thanks to Subject 4’s mishap with the translator symbiote, we now know that’s not the case. However, we still need this program to succeed in accordance with the Galactic Nature Program. We’ve had some success with Subject 4’s pairing but so far, she has been unable to fall pregnant. We need to see more tangible results before we release the rest of the females to the general public.”

“Hold on,” I interrupted, holding up a finger. “What do you mean release them? Do you have those girls trapped in a cage somewhere?”

“No, no, no!” the doctor said quickly, waving her wings. “By the Allmother’s tail feathers, no! The other females are safe and sound in their soft enclosure. An island separated from the rest of the mainland, with an environmental dome complete with everything they could possibly need. We wanted to give them time to adjust to the new environment before we lowered the bridge to the rest of the continent. You and Subject 4 escaped before we could bring you there. When you both ended up mated, we figured it was the prime opportunity to gather more research in a more enclosed setting.”

To prove her point, the doctor directed my attention to the screens, where all four combined into one to show the inside of what looked like a large cafeteria. “To the Moon” by Wé Ani was blaring from somebody’s portable speaker while fifteen or so women danced around it like a gaggle of excited witches. One of the tables held a woman sitting patiently as another behind her wove passion braids in her hair.

“Are those margaritas?” I asked. “Where did they get margaritas, and why haven’t I been brought any?”

The doctor’s eyes lit up at my interest. “We can bring you margaritas! We can bring anything you want to eat so long as you agree to give our program a chance. With proper direction, I really think couples counseling at The Crucible could turn around your subpar meeting.”

I sighed, leaning back in my chair. These birds weren’t going to let this crap go. “What about a phone so I can communicate with them?”

“With the women in the enclosure? You’ll be with them soon enough if you complete the program.”

“No, you could be showing me a prerecording before you locked them all up or something. I want a way to communicate and check in. At least with Dory.”

The doc chewed on her cheek for a moment. “I think that can be arranged. Though you’ll need to give us time to set up the equipment. Could we meet halfway and have you start The Crucible while we get it set up?”

“Fine, what is The Crucible?”