Page 17 of Session 25

“At BBQ’s,” I laughed, taking a sip from my Texas sized drink. “With the morning I had, it was needed: wings and a drink.”

“Koi, I’m going to set up a session tonight. I think you’re spiraling, and all this drinking- I get it- but what will it change? The way you look, your health, yet your man will continue to do him.” I twisted up my lip.

“I hear what you are saying, but I’m not an alcoholic, and I am not spiraling, but fine. We can have a session if you insist.”

“Good, check your email and confirm. Please do not get tipsy and then go back to work. Your job is not worth losing.” Rae was speaking the truth, but I didn’t want to hear her. Right now, my heart was aching, and while I wanted the drinks to help numb the pain, it only temporarily worked.

For the rest of the day, I worked in silence with my door closed after I cleaned up the mess. Calvin came to make sure I was okay before giving me a warning that this could not happen again. As if I wanted it to happen the first time.

I grabbed my Coach tote bag, slung it over my shoulder, slipped my feet out of my heels, kicking them under the desk, replacing them with my black Birkenstocks before leaving the office.

Twenty-six missed calls from my mother, a few from Sicily, and a ton of texts from Belinda. I already knew the cat was out of the bag. Belinda was the worst person to find out anything. She would run her mouth without even knowing she was doing it. But for the news to involve her daughter, me and my stupid ass nigga, I had hoped that she would at least give me a day to get my shit together. Wishful thinking.

She had texted me how she was sorry for her daughter and how she hoped I didn’t say fuck her and them, but that Marcel had always been an asshole, and honestly, I didn’t even agree with the last statement.

There was a time when Marcel was the nigga that all the females in my family praised. I’d be lying if I said that Marcel wasn't filling me up in a way that I had never imagined. Young, ambitious, and shy, he came in and swooped me off my feet.

The way he didn’t play about me, the vacations and gifts had everyone hoping their daughter met a young Black man like him. But as soon as he got wind of who he was and how much power brought out easy pussy, he lost sight of what we were building.

Pissed off, I sucked my teeth, tossed my phone and purse in the passenger seat of my car while slamming my door shut. Yelling out into the vehicle had me feeling like a bitch who was on her last leg.

“Yea. Rae is right, I gotta get this shit situated,” I mumbled to myself, pulled down my overhead mirror, swiped at the lone tear, and nodded. A change was about to be had, I thought.

Session 6

“So, are you going to sit there and not speak up?” Rae asked, looking from her iPad to me.

“I didn’t want to come here today. Your ass forced me here like I’m some alcoholic bitch with a stupid ass dude for a fiancée and a cousin who fucked him,” I paused, “fucked him and now there is a child. A healthy child. While I…” my voice trailed off as I thought of the day I lost our baby.

“It’s time Marcel, I swear this time.” I tapped him on his back. For the past thirty minutes I had been counting and monitoring my contractions. We had been to the hospital twice this week and it was only Wednesday.

Marcel told me that if the next run to the hospital didn’t produce a baby, he was going to leave my ass in the hospital until it was time. It wasn’t out of disgust; it was the fact that our hospital wasn’t close to the house. The drive alone was annoying to say the least. But what ticked him off was the way the doctors told us that it wasn’t time, and we’d have to come back.

The look of defeat shown on his face. “You better be sure this time, Koi. A nigga tired of them sending us home without a baby. His stubborn ass.” Marcel rolled over, placing his hand on my belly. “Are we ready to bring home a tiny human?”

I couldn’t hide the smile. It had been a long journey with many hiccups, but we were finally at the end of the road. “I am. He will be so perfect, I already know.”

“With a mother like you, any baby we have will be perfect.” Marcel slid off the bed, jogging around the bed to my side. “You are so beautiful.” He pulled me up. “Let’s go on and have this baby.”

For a few minutes, I lay my head against his chest while he massaged my back.

“Koi, do you want to tell me about what’s going on?”

“Did you not hear me? I think I was clear enough,” I sucked my teeth. “You just want me to repeat it so I can understand what I’m saying. I know these tactics.”

“Sassy, much.” She set the iPad down. “What? How do you want to do this? Talk like girl friends? That seems to be the only way you speak now,” Rae smacked her lips. “You need to be real with yourself, but I’m not gonna lecture you.”

“Good.” I folded my arms over my chest, letting out a deep sigh.

“But right now we are not in friend mode and you’re paying so I suggest you speak up.” By now Rae had gotten up from her chair, walking over to the water machine in the corner. “Or you can waste your money.” She took a sip from her cup, shrugged and sauntered back to her chair.

“He fucked my cousin who has hated me all my life and now she’s on life support and her newborn is his kid,” I groaned. “This is a shit show. The man I gave years to has played in my face.” I felt the tears welling in my eyes. “He also came to my job today acting up. All because I told him he needed to go.”

“I’m sorry you’re going through this. All of these are valid reasons to want to turn to drinking, but Koi you are better than that. Space and a peace of mind is what you should be striving for, not the bottle.”

“Have you ever been in my shoes?” Silence. “I didn’t think so and then I can’t have a healthy baby, but this bitch goes and has a child by my man first. A healthy child. A boy,” I chuckled. Not because it was funny but because it was better than me crying.

“And all of that is extreme. I can’t tell you what to do but I can give you the advice I’d want someone to give to me.”