Page 49 of Cruz

Liam jerks upright. He tugs me into him and holds me close, hugging me before grasping my arms gently and studying me. “Mom. I know that.”

My eyes sting and tears trickle down my cheeks before I can stop them. I’ve never felt more stripped down or lost. I don’t want Liam to know that. I’m his mom. I’m supposed to have at least a few answers. I’ve got nothing. I feel like I’m going to lose my son, lose Cruz, they’ll lose each other, and that I’ll end up sitting here, by myself, wondering how it all went so wrong in an instant. Liam was talking about risk, and I’m willing to take it, but only because I don’t want that ending to play out. If it was a certainty, then I could never do anything with Cruz. It doesn’t matter how much I like him. The fear of liking him too much and blowing up my life, my home, my relationships, and my world, would hold me back.

“When I said that I wanted to get a room at the clubhouse, I didn’t mean I was moving out for good. All the other members have rooms there, whether they use them often or not. That goes for the prospects too. I won’t stay there every night. I know that you’d hate that. Just some nights, so you can have your space and do your own thing. If you and Cruz decide not to—to date or whatever you want to call it, I think it’s still a good idea. I love you, Mom, more than anyone, but I wouldn’t mind having my own space too. That’s what people do when they get older.”

I swipe at my cheeks with the back of my hand, fighting the need to apologize. I can feel Cruz’s eyes burning into me. I know that he’s never stopped watching me. I can feel how badly he wants to get up and wipe my tears away, but he gives me the respect of allowing me to do it for myself. I’ve been strong. I’ve had to be, and I’ve wanted to be. That’s not going to change.

“Yes. Of course it is. I understand that.”

Liam manages a small smile for me. “I don’t want you to think that I’m being ungrateful or petulant, or that I’m throwing everything you’ve done for me back in your face.”

“I don’t think that at all.”

Liam closes his eyes. The air in the room grows thin as the tension mounts again, picking back up after that lull. When he opens them and blinks at me, it’s with the same soft eyes that I’ve known since he was born. “I’m sorry I freaked out. It was a shock. I’m still overwhelmed, but if you want to date Cruz, I’m not gonna stop you. If he ever makes you unhappy, though…”

“People get mad, Liam. They get sad. They have disagreements.”

Liam’s eyes flash and his face hardens. He’s always had such a babyface, but that expression is entirely “I’m not talking about that kind of unhappy. I mean terribly heartbroken.” All the menace remains in his voice.

Cruz bows his head in silent acknowledgement and when he looks at Liam, there’s nothing but sincerity and respect, maybe even a little bit of admiration.

“Are you sure you don’t need a ride back to the clubhouse?”

Cruz shakes his head, then catches himself and nods. “I’m sure.”

“Will you go see Archer?”

I don’t know who that is, but probably a doctor that the club uses. I don’t doubt that they probably have private doctors or even a whole clinic that they go to. I doubt they’d use a public hospital or go to a regular doctor where silence would hardly be assured if it was needed.

“Maybe.”

“I think you should. I’ll come with you. At least get it checked. Don’t damage yourself beyond repair because you’re proud.”

Cruz tips back in his chair, throws back his head, and laughs. I cross my arms because I know what he’s going on about, but it’s so nice to hear that great, deep sound, that I can hardly be annoyed that his thoughts are likely trending straight to the fact that I appear to have taught Liam well.

Liam throws up his hands. He kisses me on the cheek and squeezes my arm. “I’m going to be in my room. I’ll let you two talk.” He stresses that last word.

My face heats up brutally, but the rest of me wants to collapse in a relieved heap. Liam’s not angry anymore. He might still be in shocked, still processing, still worried, but he’s not dead set against this. That reluctant blessing is the most important thing in the world.

Cruz stays frozen in the chair long after Liam’s door closes down the hall. My single step toward him is all it takes for him to open his arm to me and guide me down to his knee. I carefully keep all my weight on his left, the knee that doesn’t hurt him. I feel horribly ridiculous sitting in his lap, but it’s wonderful when his arms come around me. Safety. Comfort. Assurance. I need that.

He nuzzles my neck and kisses my hair. He pauses there, simply breathing me in, cradling me like I’m precious. I’m not going to fall apart in the aftermath, but this is more than comfort. He turns his face and kisses my ear and then my cheek, cupping my face in his big, calloused palm so he can turn me to him. His nose brushes against mine and his lashes flutter against my cheek. He doesn’t kiss my lips. This is all so much more intimate, but even so, I’d probably flare up, hot and bright. My body isn’t mine to control when Cruz is around.

“Will you go to Archer’s? Is that a doctor?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, as in… you’ll go, or yes it’s a doctor?”

“Yes, to both.”

I grasp his shoulder, squeezing lightly. “Okay. Thank you.”

Neither of us moves. This isn’t a spell, but it’s a moment we might not get back as soon as it’s over. I don’t want to believe that it’s a moment we might not get again. He must be thinking the same thing.

“Can I take you out somewhere on Sunday? Not dinner or to a movie or anything. Somewhere we can talk, where it’s just us?”

All of me screams yes. The old fears, and some new ones, crowd in. Not just straight gut fear, but worries, apprehensions, what ifs. I don’t want to guard myself, but it’s not going to be possible to relax.