Page 82 of Body Check

twenty-nine

. . .

Jason

I’m on the sidelines. I can’t work out; I can’t go out on the ice; I can’t travel on road trips. The list of things I can’t do is longer than the list of what I can.

The other day, I yelled at Amelia. She was talking about finding a hobby, something to entertain me while I’m on leave, and all I did was snap at her about my life being over.

I’m not trying to ruin your life, she said. I’m trying to save it.

Hockey is my life, I’d shouted back.

Well, you’re at the end of your career, so you better start thinking about what comes next.

It’s been four days, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. What comes next? What do I do? All I know is hockey. Ever since I was in kindergarten, my life revolved around hockey. Other kids play a few sports before they commit, but not me; hockey was it for me from the very beginning. My dad had me in skates as soon as I could walk. It’s my first love, my one true love. I love it more than I loved my ex-wife.

If I’m not a hockey player anymore, who am I?

When I was injured before, I never once considered what would happen if I didn’t have hockey in my life. I was young. I had my entire life ahead of me.

I was an idiot.

The end is coming along a lot faster than I’d like. What will I do next? I can’t sit on my ass for the rest of my life.

Later that night, I crawled to her and apologized. She accepted it, but she’s been a little frosty with me since. I can’t deny I deserve it. Shouting at a partner is disrespectful, and I never want her to think I don’t respect and value her. She makes my life better; I don’t know what I’d do without her in it.

Crutching through the training facility, I nod at Graham and Zac, eating lunch in the lounge. There’s no sign of Amelia as I make my way to the medical bay.

Halfway there, Derek stops me. He jerks his head towards his office, and I limp my way over.

“How you doing?” he asks, closing the door behind him.

“I’m fine.”

The athletic trainer rolls his eyes. “Yeah. Sure. Let’s pretend I believe that. When do you see Dr. Hudson?”

“In five minutes.”

He winces in sympathy. “You’ll be fine.”

“Sure. Let’s pretend I believe that,” I snark back.

Derek erupts into a belly laugh. “So, you do have a personality, then.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’ve been kind of down lately. Not engaging with the guys, keeping to yourself…”

“There’s a lot on my mind,” I deflect.

“Did something happen with Amelia?”

My head jerks up as my heart rate skyrockets. “What do you mean?”

“She’s been different ever since you came back. I thought she could handle being a patient advocate, but maybe…”

“Nothing happened,” I snap. “She was the perfect professional the entire time.”