Page 30 of Already Falling

“Are you okay? How did the date go?” I open my eyes and notice that Chloe has been staring at me while sitting on her bed reading a book.

She never really likes campus gatherings and always prefers spending time with Dane or me or hanging in the dorm, reading, or painting. She is sporting a concerned expression as she gazes up from her book. I realize I look strange pinned against the door, taking deep breaths, so I shake it off and sit next to her on her bed.

“Unfortunately, I think I’m falling in love with him,” I confess to her.

“I knew this was going to happen. What happened to your college fling dreams?” She closes her book and chucks it on the shelf like whatever we are about to talk about is way more interesting than whatever she was reading.

“We both knew I was doomed when my first fling was Reid, the love of my life all through middle school.” I rub my eyes with my palms, not caring that I’ve smeared my eyeliner. “What do I do now?”

“Well, what do you want? Do you want a steady boyfriend?” She leans toward me and starts braiding little pieces of my hair in the hope it will relax me. “Or do you want to be a free bird through college?”

I weigh these options in my head as if my life depends on it. He already expects a third date, and when he said that, I got a pit in my stomach as if that wasn’t what I should do. I wish things in my life were clear. I can’t seem to put my finger on the one thing I actually want. Whenever I try to search within myself to discover what I actually want to do, I can’t help but put everyone else before me. I decide that I’m not going to settle on something tonight and instead drag myself to the shower and go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll be in a clearer headspace.

11:18 a.m.

Bzzz bzz

I slept in longer than I ever have before. Even in my sleep, I was procrastinating my next steps with Reid. I could barely sleep. I kept tossing and turning. Sure, I got butterflies whenever I thought about him, but also that was followed by a nauseous wave because I can’t help but think it wasn’t the right thing to do. I don’t even know if I’m enjoying my major, and I am worried that if I start to date someone seriously, I’m going to get even more distracted.

The sun outside is fighting to shine through my drapes, so I stand up and pull them open. Chloe isn’t on her side of the room, so I’m guessing she’s out with Dane today. It also doesn’t help that she keeps reminding me to keep my dating experience light. Yet she’s been dating Dane for a couple of months now. My head hurts the more I think about everything, and I feel like it would be easier to just hide from everyone and lock myself in my room.

Buzzz buzz

I reach for my phone and see it’s from Reid. My feelings are so confused that I just stare at his name for almost a full minute before opening his text.

It’s a video. He looks like he’s in his car at a stoplight. When I hit play, he’s singing “Milkshake” by Kelis. I think of Mean Girls instantly and how, on the walk home from the movie Reid stood under a lamp post and did the same dance from the movie. I nearly fell down laughing. We walked the rest of the way back, holding hands. It felt so natural, so easy with him. When I am with him, things are clear, but once I am alone, I struggle with what I want.

In the video, he’s belting out the chorus, and the car next to him is laughing until he blows them a kiss, then they give him a scowl and drive off. I play the video three times and laugh each time. He’s so unapologetically himself. He’s such a goof and is not embarrassed by it all. I really like that about him and find it rubbing off on me when I’m with him too.

I send back a few laughing emojis and decide to go for a long walk today. Hopefully, that will clear my head. I’ll take it day by day and go from there and try to trust my gut.

FOURTEEN

REID

My dad and Pam’s weekend visit disrupt my desire to spend more time with Annika. I’ve taken them through Balboa Park, to a few museums and beaches, and walked around Gaslamp. Pam always wanted to go to the Long Beach Flea Market, which is a few hours north, so we decided to make the drive up there this weekend. My dad refuses to take my truck, though, and rents a car. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to put more miles on my pickup, but I know it’s because I don’t have a radio and he wants to keep tabs on the Giants game while we drive up.

So far, this week has been great. I love spending time with my dad, especially since he and Pam got serious. She showed me her engagement ring almost immediately when I picked them up from the airport. She gave me the biggest hug and teared up when she saw me. Pam fills this void I never knew I had. She will check in on me to make sure I got my flu shot and will send pictures of her garden. She will always randomly send me books that she has finished reading and thinks I’ll enjoy. I’m just as happy to see her as she is to see me.

Saturday arrives, and we pile into the SUV my dad rented and make the trek up to Long Beach. Pam insists we get there by eight a.m., so we leave by six-thirty. Five minutes into the car ride, and I’m sprawling across the entire back row getting my extra hour of sleep.

I decided to tell my dad and Pam about my last couple of dates with Annika. He remembers her from when I was in middle school. I told him it is still pretty new, so he doesn’t ask that many questions about her, but I know he’s probably holding back. I don’t have too many answers. She seemed distant this past week. I pull out my phone and look at our last messages to each other.

Sunday 11:18 a.m.

Reid

video attached

Annika

:’D :’D

Monday 2:03 pm

Reid

Today is the perfect beach weather… ;)