Page 131 of Ghost Ribbon

He cooks for me a lot but he himself barely eats. The plate he sets in front of himself at the table remains full while mine empties. He mostly only drinks coffee or water.

I barely go home either.

My family exist somewhere out there, past the boundaries of Alexei’s apartment, past the small world we have constructed around ourselves.

A few days ago, my mom sat me down.

I had gone home for the first time in what might have been a week, maybe longer. The visit was supposed to be short. A few hours.

She pulled me into the kitchen while my dad and Luca were in the living room.

She sat me down at the table and she took my hands.

“Marco,” she said. “Tesoro.” Her voice was soft. “I’m happy you have Alexei. He is a good boy. He takes care of you. I see this. Your father sees this. We are grateful.”

I nodded again, not sure where this was going. Her thumbs moved across my knuckles.

“But I miss you,” she continued. “You’re barely here anymore.”

A smile crossed her face, watery and sad. “I hope you can spend more time with me,” she whispered.

I felt guilty and promised I would show up more. But I didn’t know how truthful that was. It was hard for me to be here because I had to pretend a lot.

I was failing everyone.

Everything was going wrong.

***

Today was Rei’s birthday.

At least he seemed happy.

That was the one thing that felt right.

Alexei was closing the buttons on my shirt. It was made of lace; he bought it for me a few weeks ago. I loved it. His fingers moved up the front of the shirt. “You shouldn’t be going,” he said.

I sighed. “He’s my best friend. I have to go.”

He closed the last button.

His fingers lingered on the collar. “You can barely stand.”

The words were true. They weren’t an exaggeration. My legs felt like they belonged to someone else. My balance was off. My vision tilted when I moved too quickly, and I had learned to compensate by moving slowly.

I reached up and caressed his face, then I got on my tiptoes and I kissed his cheek.

“It’s okay,” I said softly against his skin. “The side effects aren’t as bad as before. I’ll be okay. And you’ll be there.”

“From afar.”

I swallowed. That was the other thing.

We weren’t public yet.

I knew what Alexei thought about the secrecy. I knew he believed I was keeping it hidden because I didn’t want Rei to know. Because I wasn’t ready to claim him in front of the people who mattered to me.

But that wasn’t it.