Page 105 of Ghost Ribbon

Out.

In.

Out.

The pressure in my chest was still there, but the pills would help. They always helped, eventually. Just needed time.

I smoothed my hair with damp fingers.

You can handle this, I told my reflection.

Then, just as I reached for the door handle, the knock came.

“Little star?”

“Yes?” I called back, and was proud of how steady my voice sounded.

“Are you okay?”

I leaned my forehead against the door for one second, eyes shut, gathering myself.

“Yes,” I said. “Just give me a minute.”

Silence from the other side.

I didn’t know if he believed me. With Alexei, I never knew if he believed me. His ability to detect lies was unnerving, but his decision to call them out was unpredictable. Sometimes he let me have my secrets. Other times he peeled them open and examined them in the light until I had no choice but to admit what I was hiding.

I didn’t know which Alexei was standing outside this door.

I recomposed myself.

Took one more breath, deeper than the others, willing the pressure in my chest to subside even a fraction.

Then I opened the door.

His hair was messier than usual. His eyes went immediately to my face, studying with an intensity that made me want to step back and close the door again.

I gave him a smile.

“Why are you shaking?” he asked.

I looked down at my hands and found that he was right. They were trembling, just a bit.

“Nightmare,” I said quickly. “I had a nightmare,” I repeated, softer this time. “It was… it felt real. I just needed a minute.”

He looked at me.

Intently.

“Are you lying to me, Malyshka?”

My throat tightened. My eyes stung. I wanted to tell him, wanted to open my mouth and let the words spill out, all of them, everything I kept hidden.

But I couldn’t.

Because if I told him, everything would change.

Because if I told him, he would look at me differently.