Page 32 of Duality

I smiled weakly at him but didn’t reply to his comment. Once I got started, I couldn’t stop without breaking down.

“The party was hosted by a senior whose parents were out of town. I wasn’t drinking as I was DDing for my friends. I got separated from them during the party, but it was fine. A boy in one of my classes came up to me, and we started to chat.”

I closed my eyes briefly and swallowed, the memories flashing in my mind clear as if it had happened yesterday. That was the thing about trauma. The bitch liked to make you relive it.

“He suggested we step out onto the back porch where it was quieter so we could hear each other. I didn’t think anything of it. I was a naïve sixteen-year-old girl whose parents had done a great job sheltering me about what the world was really like.”

Flashes of his hands turning rough. I had tried to fight him off, but he was a football player and outweighed me. I’d gotten away briefly, and he had tackled me to the ground, knocking the breath out of me and pinning me down. I’d tried to struggle, and he’d choked me until I was unconscious.

A warm hand on my knee startled me out of the memories, and I jumped in my seat.

Alexander withdrew his hand quickly, holding it up in a placating gesture, his blue eyes warm with concern as he watched me carefully, abandoning the stakeout. I forced myself back to the present, lifting the camera to continue snapping pictures of the employees entering and exiting the building. My voice was robotic, even to my own ears, as I continued.

“He raped me. I drove myself to the police station that night to report him.” I left out the part of going home and my parents yelling at me for being at a party, not caring I had been violated. “But when I said his name, the officers clammed up. They didn’t even do a rape kit, although I insisted. They just told me Iwas mistaken, and I shouldn’t be running around throwing out accusations like that. I tried to report him to the school, and they didn’t do anything either. He was a star football player and the son of a prominent judge. His father visited my parents at our house a week later. I don’t know what they talked about, as my parents sent me to my room, but when he left, they told me if I didn’t drop it, they were going to kick me out and refuse to fund my college tuition.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, fighting the wave of sadness and anger that always threatened to overwhelm me when I told this story. The overwhelming grief for sixteen-year-old me who had cried in her rooms for days afterwards with no one to hear her. If it weren’t for Danny climbing through my window a week later because he hadn’t heard from me, I would have had no one. My parents had turned him away at the door, but he wasn’t able to shake the feeling that something was wrong.

When he’d found me, he’d been livid at them, but I’d managed to talk him down. He’d climbed through my window every night for months when I couldn’t sleep alone. I lost my friends, and high school became hell for me. The boy had spread a vicious rumor that I’d been willing and then cried rape, and everyone believed him over me. I ended up withdrawing from school and completing my coursework online when the bullying became so bad. I felt powerless and tormented at every turn.

Danny, only seventeen himself at the time, became my lifeline, and when he dragged me to self-defense classes at the local gym, he saved my life. I threw myself into the classes, determined to never feel powerless again. It helped somewhat. Moving to this city for college helped more. But I still wasn’t sleeping. I used to go on walks at night around campus.

It had been late one night, and I was walking behind the frat houses when I heard a commotion in the alleyway. A guy had agirl pinned up against the wall. She was clearly drunk but still pushing him away. He wasn’t taking no for an answer, though. Memories had threatened to drag me under, but instead, I dragged the guy off her. His head bounced into the wall opposite, and when he slumped to the ground, I got her out of there.

I didn’t kill him, as I later found out, but I wouldn’t have mourned if he was dead. When I safely helped the girl home to her roommates, I felt a rush. A rush of accomplishment that chased away all of the feelings of helplessness I had ever experienced. It was like my entire existence clicked into place, and things made sense for the first time in years.

Danny immediately noticed a difference in me, and between the two of us, we patrolled the campus most nights. Nothing seemed to help me more than helping others, and it felt like I finally found my place in the world.

A gentle clearing of a throat brought me out of my stroll down memory lane. Shit, where was I? Right, college tuition.

“I moved away,” I continued for Alexander. I wasn’t going to share the details, but the high-level stuff would give him a better picture as to why I started the Archers. “I started college here in the city. Danny moved with me. He was the only one who knew the truth about that night. Well, maybe not the only one who knew the truth, but the only one who believed me.”

Alexander’s eyes were tight, and he sat rigidly in his seat. His eyes bore a hole into the side of my face, hanging onto my every word.

“We started college and encountered other people in my situation. We were able to help some of them, and I knew that’s what I wanted to do. I studied pre-law and business but never pursued law school after college, as we quickly found out the city had a need for an organization like the Archers. We met Grace shortly after we graduated, and she helped us get set up and organized, and well, I guess the rest is history.”

I summarized the rest of my story quickly. The trip down memory lane had left me unsteady and shaky, and we were still on a stakeout. I couldn’t afford to lose focus, especially when we had such a short window of preparation. I placed the camera on my lap, shaking out my fingers as if I could brush away the memories that had a death grip on me, their claws still sunk deep even after fifteen years.

I lifted the camera back up, getting back to it while the silence stretched taut between us like a rope in a dangerous game of tug-of-war, each second adding strain to my already strained nerves. What was he thinking? Did he believe me? Did he think less of me after hearing how broken I was? Did he understand why I started the Archers?

After what felt like hours but was probably only minutes, Alexander spoke. “What happened to the judge and his son?”

My eyes flew to him. That wasn’t what I expected the first words out of his mouth to be.

“He’s still a judge,” I said slowly. This part was always painful when I thought about it. “And his son got a football scholarship. We’ve kept an eye on them, but they’re across the country. He’s either cleaned up his act or just gotten better at hiding his misdeeds.”

I’d bet money that it was the latter. Men like him didn’t change.

Alexander nodded, his jaw clenched. I hadn’t seen this expression on his face since that meeting we’d had with a potential client two years ago. It had been the biggest waste of time as they asked the most inane questions. It had lasted close to three hours before we were finally done, and by that time, Alexander’s eye had been twitching as well.

Alexander’s eyes twitched, and I bit my lip to hide a smile. He would think I was crazy if I started smiling now after telling him that. I mean, I was probably a bit crazy. I don’t know any personwho could come out of that situation with their sanity intact. But probably better to not share my crazy just yet. Although it seemed like Sebastian would enjoy that.

“I’m sorry that happened to you and that you went through it alone.” Alexander’s voice was soft, like he was talking to a wounded animal. It made me itch. He paused for a few seconds before continuing. “I understand why you wanted to work at SDS now.”

I arched my eyebrow, waiting for him to continue, but he didn’t. Instead, he turned back to work. I was under no illusion that he’d forgiven me for my betrayal, but I would take understanding. Too bad I had to split open the box of my darkest memories to get it from him.

As we sat in silence, my muscles gradually relaxed as I chased down each dark memory and shoved it back into its box. Healthy? Probably not, but I could compartmentalize like a pro now. We had two more hours before Grace and Danny came to relieve us. If he wanted to spend the time in silence, that worked for me.

The silence was better than talking about just how damaged I was. How some nights, I would still wake up screaming, and how if I wasn’t focusing, I would still flinch if someone touched me. I had worked hard over the years to bury those reactions deep down inside me, but sometimes they rose to the surface. It was what prevented me from ever getting close to anyone. The closest anyone had ever come was my lieutenants, but even then, I was responsible for protecting them, not the other way around. Alexander’s quiet acceptance was throwing me off, but I had to let it go. Even if he understood and maybe one day forgave me, there was no future for me with him or any of them.