Page 87 of While You Were Trending

“It’s not just a camera,” Olivia replies.

When I was dating Alex, I got used to being photographed and occasionally filmed too. I never liked it, but I did it because it’s what a good girlfriend did.

After crashing his wedding though, it doesn’t matter how many years it’s been.

I still avoid cameras as much as I can.

And now, watching Declan with Cricket and Dori—I’m jealous.

Iwant to be laughing and teasing and joking with them.

Not because Dori and Cricket are my friends—my chosen family—but because they’re having a good time, comfortable on camera.

With Declan.

It’s that last part that keeps tripping me up.

I could tell Samantha and Olivia that I’m jealous, but I’m barely able to admit it to myself.

So instead, I sort through the grape bunches rolling across the table in front of me, plucking out leaves and some unripe berries. “My mom made us go apple picking one year. It was the first episode of the last season before Caro and Ten turned eighteen. The studio ran build-up commercials for weeks with me falling off a ladder into a pile of rotten apples while Caro commented that she wouldn’t miss my fits when she went to college.”

They both look up from sorting to study me.

“I like this a lot better,” I say. “This—we’re making our own legacy here. I didn’t ever find the lemonade in theOn the Rhodeslemons, but our wine, our winery, our home—it’s my lemonade.”

“Even when it’s invaded with cameras?” Olivia murmurs.

I glance at Dori and Cricket and Mabel and Declan and Shade.

Declan’s just put a leafy stem on Cricket’s head, and she hasn’t noticed yet.

Mabel’s almost smiling.

Dori’s slipping the occasional grape into the pocket of her apron. She catches me watching, and she gives me a sly grin. No idea what she’s planning with the grapes, but it’s definitely something.

My eyes mist over.

I should be in there.

I should be participating with them.

But every time I think about moving closer, about letting myself be on camera for a TV show again, I break out in a cold sweat and my fingers start tingling and my mother’s face flashes through my mind.

No, Ginny, throw a bigger fit. Yell louder. You WANT the prize in this cereal box.

I swallow hard. “Even when it’s invaded,” I whisper.

Declan glances at me, and his eyes soften and his brows furrow.

I shiver.

Not a bad shiver.

But I don’t know if it’s a good shiver.

Flow whine-howls beside him.

She’s stained with grape juice too.