Page 51 of A Bittersweet Summer

“I’ll race you!” Griffin says, planting himself next to Noah.

Gus smiles, planting a kiss on Megan’s forehead before joining in the fun.

When they take off, Ellis and Lennon joke about how ridiculous their boyfriends are, and I look to Wes.

“No racing for you?” I question, and he laughs.

“I’ve done it plenty,” he says, pointing his beer bottle to where Gus is now scrambling up the side, as Griffin shoves Noah back. “Besides, I wouldn’t want to make them look bad again. I already beat everyone getting back here.”

“Because you cheated!” Lennon says, her cheeks reddened with the night air.

The sun sets lower on the horizon, threatening a darkening sky.

“We should probably go back,” Wes says, gathering up the cooler and strapping it to the back.

When we all pack up and make our way through the trails back to the entrance by the barn, Wes hops down and offers everyone a tour of the lesson barn.

By the time we’re finished, we all walk down the drive to my house, parting ways for the evening.

Megan gushes over Ellis’s photos of her drawings she’s submitting in a new art show, and Lennon and Noah depart while Wes talks to Griffin.

“I’m glad you came,” I say to Gus, nudging his shoulder.

“Me too.” Gus smiles, his eyes briefly flicking to Megan. “I like to feel included in your real life,” he says, and guilt slashes through me.

I look in his direction as he adjusts the glasses further up on his nose.

“I’m sorry.” The words come out as a whisper—a confession of all the mixed feelings I’ve had.

“Whatever for?” Gus asks, oblivious to my inner turmoil.

“I…” I’m not sure how to continue, but this conversation has been a long time coming. Now is better than never. “I’ve always been nervous to introduce you to my friends,” I confess. “I never wanted you to feel like you had to…” I wave my hands around, searching for the words. “You know,” I start. “Explain things. I just didn’t want you to feel anything but normal with me. I’ve always wanted that.”

Gus’s smile doesn’t fall as he leans toward me, nudging my elbow with his. “Well, I feel normal now.”

I sigh, wringing my fingers out in front of me. “I just feel guilty,” I say, and Gus nods, his face more serious.

“I know.”

Emotions clog my throat, but I turn to face my brother anyway. While I’ve always felt like we had a good relationship growing up, there has always been a strain. It’s everything we never acknowledged—the complications that came from how sick he’d been.

“I know things haven’t been easy, and I just want you to know that you are welcome in my life, always. I also like Megan.”

“Well,” he says. “That’s good. I like Wes pretty well.”

“Yeah, well… He’s my boss.”

“Hmm.” Gus puts his hands in his pockets, nodding once as he looks out at my house. “I want you to know, Cass, that you worry a lot about other people.”

“I—”

He cuts me off. “You worry so much about other people and making their lives better—manhandling the universe for me all through our childhood to ensure I had exactly what you said—a space to feel normal.” His words drip over me like honey—slow and sweet. It heals something inside of me. “I’m glad you have this job and the house. I’ve never seen something feel more likeyou. Everything you’ve done for me is not lost. It makes me happy to see you happy—to see the family you’ve built in your friend group. You deserve that.”

Tears line the edges of my vision, the emotion leaking out of me in a way that should be embarrassing.

I look away, wiping my cheek with my sleeve.

Maybe I wish I could have seen myself the way Gus saw me. Or maybe I wish I could have seen him the way I see him now so much earlier. It feels like wasted time being lost in my own internal struggle—time I could have spent enjoying the pieces of my family that still feel whole.