Page 212 of Chasing Hope

“He’s already winning.”

Kieran finally looks at me then as he swears vehemently, “No, he’s not. He’spanicking, Evie. It’s why he’s doing what he is because he no longer has control over you.”

“It feels like he’s winning.” Shaking my head, I look off into the distance. “Feels like he already has. He’s taken everything from me already.”Everything that he never should have taken.

“Then don’t let him take any more.”

“Easier said than done,” I murmur.

“Yeah, it is, and I’m being a fucking hypocrite right now but I just…I can’t watch another monster win.”

Confusion fills me at his words.

“I—” His voice cracks before he swallows and tries again. “I had something similar happen to me.”

His words hang in the air as I blink back at him, shock rendering me silent. Before I can even respond, Kieran peers down at his shoes, putting his hands in his pockets only to rip them out again and fiddle with his fingers. “It happened at a foster home I was placed in. The dad was…a monster, but if I’m being honest with myself, that was nothing. By that point I was used to it. I knew how to survive it.”

I thought I had run out of tears, but somehow, my eyes fill once more.

“The worst was when I lived with my mother. She was addicted to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes…you name it. The drugs were the worst, though. She’d go out of her mind for days and I’d have to fend for myself.”

Kieran tries to clear his throat, very clearly struggling to continue. Giving him the silence and the space to work on it, I take a step closer, trying to let him know that I’m here.

“Her use became so frequent that she ran out of ways to pay for the drugs, so when her dealer came knocking for it…she gave him me.”

A gasp escapes me, my hand flying to my lips.

Kieran lifts his head then, his broken, sad eyes locking on mine. Two people standing in a forest—different stories but the same wounds making us bleed internally.

“I’ve only ever told a small handful of people. That right now was the first time I was able to say it verbally. You are far stronger than I ever was. You tried to tell people, you asked for help, and then you were betrayed in the worst of ways. I’m so angry for you. I’m so fucking angry and gutted for you and what’s happening now… Evie, I don’t want to see them win because a selfish part of me needs to see someone conquer their monster so that maybe one day I can conquer mine.” His eyes seem to stare all the way down into what’s left of my soul. “Don’t let the monsters win.”

“I’m so sorry, Kieran,” I breathe. “You didn’t deserve that.”

“Neither did you.”

No, no I didn’t.

“Where’s your monster?”

He shrugs. “I only saw him once as an adult. For all I know, he’s dead now.”

“I wish he would die,” I confess with a whisper. “It would be easier if he did. Then I wouldn’t have to go through all of this.”

“It would be too peaceful for him, Evie. He deserves a far worse fate.”

My eyes begin to burn, my throat tightening. “I’m just so tired. So fucking tired.”

“I know, little E,” he says sadly. “It’s not going to be easy but we’re all here. All of us believe you and we’re ready to help you fight. But don’t let him win. He’s taken so much from you already. He deserves to rot in hell.”

“He does but it doesn’t mean it will happen.”

Kieran peers behind us in the direction we’ve walked as if he can stare all the way through the trees toward the cabin. “I asked Matteo if I could be the one to tell you something. It was like pulling teeth trying to get him to agree since he wanted to be there for you when you found out.” Turning back to me, Kieran says bluntly without any warning, “There are other people that have come forward, Evie. You weren’t the only one he hurt.”

My body reacts before I can stop it. My head rears back as if I were struck, my eyes blink rapidly, my heartbeat skyrockets.

“I’m sorry…what did you just say?”

“There are others.”