Page 197 of Chasing Hope

I wish he hadn’t asked that.

Because I’m barely controlling my emotions, barely holding onto my sanity, barely functioning at this point. I’m trying to process it all but it’s twenty years of memories that I need to look back on and alter completely.

Family dinners.

Camping trips.

Holidays.

Fucking hell, I need to look ateverythingdifferently.

It was one thing learning what Evie went through, but hearing who did it? That was soul destroying.

I try to take a breath but find I can’t. “All that matters is Evie.”

“You matter too, and once she comes out of her haze, you can help each other heal.”

Shaking my head, I run a hand over the stubble on my jaw. “No, it’s harder for them.”

“Evie, yes, but it’s just as devastating for you as it is Caleb. It’s his biological father but he was yours as well. Everyone knows you were a part of the Ellington family.”

I wish he would stop talking. Wish he would use that superpower Layla says he has and realize I’m on the verge of losing it.

Because I should have seen the signs.

I should have noticed.

I should have saved her.

No, I’m not okay, I think, but I have to be strong for them.

I owe them this much.

I oweherthat much.

“Caleb and Evie saved me when I was little,” I say instead. “It’s my time to return the favor.”

Kieran cocks his head, his smile full of sadness. “You can allow yourself to feel what you need to.”

I nod. “In private.”

Kieran’s sigh is long and full of a heaviness I feel deep within my soul. “I can tell I’m not going to convince you so I’ll drop it for now, but you need to allow yourself to feel everything, Matteo, otherwise it will come back to bite you in the ass.” He gives me a look. “Trust me on that. You can’t bury these feelings.” He gestures with his chin at the couch and whispers, “Look at Evie. She’s been drowning in it.”

“I get it, I do…but I just need to focus on being there for her right now.”

“Want me to book you a cabin?”

“I’ll do it, thank you though. I need to be…”

“Feeling useful?” Kieran supplies.

“Exactly.”

Picking up his phone off the island, he waves it in the air. “I’ll go update Coach.” He nods at Caleb and Evie still cuddled on the couch. They’re silent now, their tears dried up, but they’re just staring off into space. “Maybe pack for them. I don’t think they’ll be in the right headspace to make any decisions.”

“Good call.”

Kieran steps out onto the balcony and I head over to the couch, taking a seat on the coffee table in front of them. “I’m going to rent a cabin up the mountains. Get us away from everything for a while.”