Page 117 of Chasing Hope

“So I’m not going to kiss you when you’re drunk.”

This can’t be our first kiss.

“But you leave in the morning for summer camp.”

My lips thin. “This can’t happen,” I whisper gutturally.Not right now, I want to add, but force myself not to.

“But…” she pulls back, assessing me, the moment sobering her.

This is going to hurt her, I know it is, but not as much as it’s gutting me.

“I’mnotstupid. I’m not crazy either. This isn’t one-sided…” she whispers, but as I stay silent, her face slackens, a flash of such betrayal in her gaze my heart physically drops into my stomach.

It’s not one-sided, I want to whisper.

But I fuckingknowher, and I know what the next few years would look like for Evie.

Fucking torture.

A long-distance relationship, constant phone calls of me letting her down because something came up with practice or an assignment. And then what? Asking her to follow me around the country while I chase my dreams, placing her life second to mine while I go pro?

She deserves more than that.

The next five years pass through my mind in a blink, and it ends with her hating me.

It ends in turmoil.

It ends with hatred in her soul.

It ends in agony.

Maybe I’m being a martyr, maybe I’m saving us from heartbreak, or maybe I’m selfish and want her to experience life so that when she comes to me again, it’s with the same amount of certainty in my heart that we’re meant for each other.

Or maybe I’m just terrified of having her only to lose her.

“Evie,” I say softly. “We can’t go there.”

I’m careful with my words but ultimately, when the pain crosses her face, I know I’ve made the wrong call. I want us to wait, want us to come together when we aren’t kids and can make it last an eternity.

But I think my next words make me lose her forever.

“You, Caleb, and your parents are the only family I have. You know that. You know that all I’ve truly had for love is your family, and I’m terrified of losing that.”

“You won’t lose us,” she says, but it’s weak, soft.

“I don’t think I want to risk that,” I say brokenly, because it is breaking me. If Evie came to me again and asked to have me, I’d give my heart up on a platter. I can only deny her once. Can only put myself through this agony one time.

So for the first time since I’ve known her, I lie, and make a vow to myself that it will be the last one I ever tell her.

“I don’t want to lose Caleb’s friendship. He’s like a brother to me…” Taking a deep breath, I force out the rest of it despite it tasting like acid. “I don’t want to risk it.”

I’d risk fuckingeverythingbut losing her. Life wouldn’t mean anything if I didn’t have her, and that’s exactly what would happen if we got together. I’d lose her in the long run.

Tears fill her eyes in an instant, her lower lip wobbling. “You’re choosing Caleb.”

It’s not a question, but I spit out the most abhorrent word to ever come from my mouth. “Yes.”

No sooner do I say it, she runs, and it takes everything in me not to go after her.