Page 86 of Carter

“You don’t have to say anything. It happened a long time ago. I’ve accepted it’s part of my story. I’ve done what I can to move on. I’m in a good place. This… isn’t something that I tell people. Few know.”

“But you told me.”

“Yes, I told you. I needed to share that with you for you to understand other parts of me.” He takes my hand confidently. “I don’t know what I’m doing, and that’s okay. I think we’ve both just… gone with the flow.”

“We have. It’s… there’s no pressure here. I like that I can be myself and I don’t have to hide anything. I don’t feel like you look at me differently because of what happened—because you know I lost someone.”

“Of course I don’t.”

“People do.”

“Because they don’t understand this side of it. They don’t know what it’s like to be looked at that way. I do. So, I don’t do it to others.”

“You respect me.”

“I do. You’re strong and willful and you’re a good person.”

I smile, huffing a small laugh. “I like that we can have these intimate conversations without it being athing.”

“I agree.”

Glancing down at our hands, I see the way our hands join perfectly together. It feels right and doesn’t make sense at the same time.

“I was worried about talking about this, but I shouldn’t have been,” I say, looking up at him. His face has become so familiar to me in a way I never expected it to. I thought I’d remember him as the cop who swore to solve Ryan’s murder, and now… now he’s so much more.

“Never worry about what you have to talk to me about, Carter. I will always respect your feelings and opinions. We can figure it out together, if we need to.”

“I appreciate you so much, Nash,” I say, my throat getting tight with emotion. “And my feelings are… confusing. I mean, they’re there, I know they’re there. I care about you, but then that little voice in my head reminds me about Ryan and I feel shitty for it.”

He squeezes my hand reassuringly.

“Understandable,” he says. “There’s nothing wrong with that, you know that, right?”

“It doesn’t bother you?” I say, turning to face him more and scooting a little closer. My knee brushes his thigh. I kind of want to crawl into his lap.

“Why would it?”

“Because I still love him. And if this…” I gesture between us, “Becomes something, I don’t think that will change. I’ve never had a reason to stop loving Ryan. Death isn’t strong enough for that.”

Nash moves closer to me now, running his fingers along my cheek and then my jaw in a touch so soft it feels like flower petals.

“Loving him made you into the person you are today.” His thumb brushes beneath my eye, his other hand still holding mine tightly. “Why would I ever ask you to apologize for that?”

“I don’t know, I just…”

“Maybe I’m wrong, but I believe you’re this version of yourself because of Ryan. The version I met and connected with. Ryan is the reason you’re kind to strangers. The reason you spend your Saturdays at the shelter. The reason you still believe people are worth helping after everything you’ve been through.” His other hand comes up to cup my cheek. “He’s the reason you are who you are today—the man I know. I would never ask you to change any part of you, Carter. Never.”

Tears burn my eyes. How the hell did this get so deep so quickly? How do I feel every emotion this man is feeling too? Nash isn’t confessing his love to me, I don’t think that’s where we are, but why does this feel stronger? Like something more? Like something better? Something unexplainable.

“I thought you didn’t believe in this sort of stuff?” I say with a small laugh, needing to lighten the mood. If not, I may cry. No, I definitely will. It’s bubbling up.

“You changed my mind, and I don’t even know how or when, but I think it’s pretty obvious after last night, don’t you?” I nod. “There’s something here between us, something hard to explain, but I know you feel it.”

“We don’t need to put a label on anything. I think it’s easier if we don’t, at least for now.”

“I agree. Letting things between us just be and turn into whatever they do, makes sense.” I nod again, my head ready to explode becausehow is this happening? “And it’s not that I didn’t believe in this sort of thing. I love my brothers more than I can explain. I still love my mother so much it hurts sometimes. It’s just that… I didn’t think I was capable of connecting with someone outside of that circle.”

I throw my arms around him, nearly falling into his lap.