Page 38 of Ride or Die

Nodding again, I tamp down my smile. “With homemade garlic cheese toast.”

Cole hesitates, scrubbing a hand over his stubbled jaw, looking me up and down again, contemplation and something else in his penetrative gaze. And as those ocean eyes rove over me, this time I don’t try to hide myself, and I don’t know what that says about me, but I don’t hate the way my heart seems to kick up a beat.

Meeting my eyes, Cole rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah, I could eat,” he murmurs, his deep voice lowering a notch or two, and I can’t help but wonder if there’s one of those unfortunate euphemisms again.

“Take a seat,” I say, my voice slightly higher in pitch than it was a second ago. I spin around, opening the fridge door, avoiding his intense gaze. “I’ll… warm you up a plate.”

When it was time for Billie to go to bed, Cole was making a move to leave, but of course, my daughter conned him into reading her a bedtime story. I swear that little girl was a grifter in her former life. I feel terrible because it’s late, and I know Cole has probably been awake since before the sun was even up, and more than likely needs to be up again in only a few hours, but he didn’t hesitate for a second. In fact, I caught the hint of a smile ghosts his lips the moment Billie asked. I have a feeling Cole might actually enjoy being Billie’s go-to story guy.

Footsteps pad behind me, causing the porch planks to creak, and I turn to find Cole walk out of the house. He pauses, looking around, rubbing at that same spot at the back of his neck. “Uh… she’s asleep.”

I smile. “Thank you.”

He lifts a shoulder in a shrug. “Don’t mention it.”

“Beer?” I ask, holding up one of the two cans I grabbed from the fridge before I walked out here. “I mean… unless you need to go. It’s… late.”

Cole hesitates for a few seconds before finally nodding. He comes closer, accepting the cold can with a tight smile. Taking a seat on the step next to me, his knees crack louder than an average twenty-six-year-old’s knees should crack, and I can’t help but wonder if maybe that’s just a side effect of doing what he does. I can’t imagine ranch work is a walk in the park, but riding bulls on top of that? No wonder his knees crack.

We sit in a comfortable silence for a few long moments, sipping our beers, the night breeze gentle and cool, despite the long hot day. And it’s as we’re seated here on the porch steps, with nothing but the crickets chirping around us, I realize how easy it is, how with Cole I’m not wound tight or nervous, how I actually feel relaxed.

“Cain is Billie’s dad,” I find myself say before I even realize the words are coming out of my mouth. When I see Cole’s head turn to me from my periphery, feel his eyes on me, I swallow hard, chancing a sideways look at him. “Tommy’s father was a cheating asshole. I sure know how to pick ’em,” I add with a derisive scoff, looking down at my beer can and toying nervously with the ring pull. “I left him when Tom was two, after I found out he was… not faithful.”

Clearing my throat, I continue. “A few years later, I met Cain, and it all happened so fast. Tommy and I moved in with him, I got pregnant, and then Billie came along.” I can’t help but smile at the memory. “For a while we were the perfect little family.”

I lift my chin, looking out over the darkened yard, illuminated only by the glow of the silver moon shining high from the inky sky. “When Cain got… promoted and started getting involved more with… theclub, he changed.”

“The club?” Cole interjects, his brows slowly tugging together.

Trepidation winds through my veins. I know I shouldn’t say anything. Too many details are risky. But there’s just something about Cole that makes me feel like I can trust him.

“Cain is a member of… the Brothers of Mayhem,” I say carefully, watching him and seeing the moment he acknowledges the weight of what I’ve just divulged, his face falling stark, eyes widening a touch.

“He’d be gone for days. But even when he was home, he’d stay out most nights. He was never with us. When I wouldquestion him about it, he’d lose his temper.” I swallow hard again. “The first time he… h-hit me was when I asked him if he was cheating on me with the girls that hung around at the clubhouse.” I sniff a humorless laugh, shaking my head. “God, I can’t believe I believed him when he told me that it was my fault, that I deserved it.”

Cole says nothing, but I can feel him watching me, hanging onto every one of my words.

“After that, his anger started getting worse. And I knew it wasn’t okay, but I was also terrified of leaving and… having nothing, no one. I had two kids who needed a roof over their heads and food on the table, and… I was so overwhelmed with thinking how I could do it all on my own, that I decided it was easier if I just put up with it.” I shrug again. “He wasn’t hurting them. Just… me. And I figured if I could keep it that way, then that was okay. I could put up with it.” I shake my head, disappointed in myself as I say the words out loud. “But, a few months ago, Cain was at home, in the garage working on one of his bikes. His friend… or brother, or whatever… was with him, and when he left, I waved to him, just a wave… a normalsee ya laterkind of wave, nothing more. And, I don’t know… I guess Cain didn’t like it. He gotreallyangry.” I stare straight ahead, tears stinging the backs of my eyes at the memory. “He hit mesohard I couldn’t see out of my eye for a moment. And then he… He had his hands around my throat, holding mesotight. I-I couldn’t breathe. And he had this look in his eyes like… like he was going to kill me. Like hewantedto kill me.”

Cole rubs a hand over his chin, exhaling hard through his nose, but he says nothing, so I continue.

“I must’ve blacked out because the next thing I remember, I was face down bent over the kitchen table with my dress up around my waist and—” I stop myself, my breath shuddering ona hard exhale. “He had my hair wrapped around his fist so tight I was sure he was going to tear it right out of my head.”

Shifting beside me, Cole huffs another hard exhale.

“And then I heard this little voice sayMommy—” My voice cracks and a hot tear hits my cheek, one that I’m quick to wipe away. “And I looked up and Billie was standing in the hallway looking in, tears streaming down her little cheeks, so scared, so… confused.”

“What happened next?” Cole practically bites, his words a harsh growl that startles me.

I turn, finding his face void of any emotion save for the steely look of malice in his gaze as he stares straight ahead, jaw ticking furiously.

“Nothing. Cain pretended it was nothing, put on his pretty boy smile and doting dad act, leaving me where I was and rushing over to Billie, picking her up, telling herMommy was being a silly girl.” I shake my head, remembering the look in Billie’s eyes when Cain took her back to bed. “She knew,” I say, more to myself than to Cole, a sob bubbling up the back of my throat. “At barely five years old… sheknew.”

I sniffle, gulping back my emotions, sitting up and squaring my shoulders. “That was the night I made the decision to leave. I couldn’t risk my kids seeing anything like that again. It was bad enough them seeing the bruising of the aftermath of every beating before that. But that night… I can’t imagine what would have happened had she came out a couple minutes later.”

I wipe my nose with the back of my hand. “So, I came up with a plan. I swindled as much money from the bank account that I could, without him noticing. I packed a few things every day and put them into special piles where I knew they’d be easy to grab when the time came. I started counting the seconds it took for Cain to leave the house in the morning, and how many minutes I had from when he walked out of the door to when he got towork.” I look at Cole noticing the way his brow furrows, and I know what he’s wondering. “He had cameras installed, and he was always checking them from wherever he was. He said it was to make sure the house was safe, thatwewere safe.” I scoff.

Cole bows his head.