Page 13 of We Are Okay

“Okay.” Her voice has become quieter. “I’m doing this wrong. That’s not even what I meant to say. I was trying to say that I loved him. I miss him. I know it’s only a fraction of how you must feel, but I miss him and I thought you might want to know that someone else is thinking about him.”

I nod. I don’t know what else to do. I want to get him out of my head.

“I wish there had been a memorial,” she says. “My parents and I kept expecting to hear about it. I was just waiting for the dates to book my ticket.” And now the edge is in her voice, because I didn’t respond the way I should have, I guess, and because he and I were each other’s only family. Mabel’s parents offered to help me plan a service, butI didn’t call them back. Sister Josephine called, too, but I ignored her. Jones left me voice mails that I never picked up. Because instead of grieving like a normal person, I ran away to New York even though the dorms wouldn’t be open for another two weeks. I stayed in a motel and kept the television on all day. I ate all my meals in the same twenty-four-hour diner and I kept no semblance of a schedule. Every time my phone rang the sound rattled my bones. But when I turned it off I was entirely alone, and I kept waiting for him to call, to tell me everything was fine.

And I was afraid of his ghost.

And I was sick with myself.

I slept with my head under blankets and each time I stepped outside in the daylight I thought I’d go blind.

“Marin,” Mabel says. “I came all the way here so that when I talked, you’d be forced to talk back.”

The television played soap operas. Commercials for car dealerships, paper towels, dish soap.Judge JudyandGeraldo. Always, Dove, Swiffer. Laugh tracks. Close-ups of tear-stained faces. Shirts unbuttoning, laughter. Objection, your honor. Sustained.

“I started to think you must have lost your phone. Or that you hadn’t taken it with you. I felt like a stalker. All of those calls and emails and text messages. Do you have any idea how many times I tried to reach you?” Her eyes tear up. A bitter laugh escapes her. “What a stupid question,” shesays. “Of course you do. Because you got them all and just decided not to respond.”

“I didn’t know what to say,” I whisper. It sounds so inadequate, even to me.

“Maybe you could tell me how you came to that decision. I’ve been wondering what exactly I did to bring about that specific strategy.”

“It wasn’t strategic.”

“Then what was it? I’ve spent all this time telling myself that what you’re going through is so much bigger than you not talking to me. Sometimes it works. But sometimes it doesn’t.”

“What happened with him... ,” I say. “What happened at the end of the summer... It was more than you know.”

Amazing, how difficult these words are. They are barely anything. I know that. But they terrify me. Because even with the healing I’ve done, and the many ways in which I’ve pulled myself together, I haven’t said any of this out loud.

“Well,” she says. “I’m listening.”

“I had to leave.”

“You justdisappeared.”

“No. I didn’t. I camehere.”

The words make sense, but deeper than the words is the truth. She’s right. If Mabel’s talking about the girl who hugged her good-bye before she left for Los Angeles, wholaced fingers with her at the last bonfire of the summer and accepted shells from almost-strangers, who analyzed novels for fun and lived with her grandfather in a pink, rent-controlled house in the Sunset that often smelled like cake and was often filled with elderly, gambling men—if she’s talking about that girl, then yes, I disappeared.

But it’s so much simpler not to look at it that way, so I add, “I’ve been here the whole time.”

“I had to fly three thousand miles to find you.”

“I’m glad you did.”

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

She looks at me, trying to see if I mean it.

“Yes,” I say again.

She pushes her hair behind her ear. I watch her. I’ve been trying not to look too closely. She was kind enough to pretend she didn’t notice me holding on to her scarf and hat earlier; I don’t need to test my luck. But again, it hits me:Here she is. Her fingers, her long, dark hair. Her pink lips and black eyelashes. The same gold earrings she never takes out, not even when she sleeps.

“Okay,” she says.

She presses a button and here is movement after so many minutes of suspension.