Page 43 of Buttons

“The children need stability,” I try again. “And proper security.”

“What they need is love. You not liking our apartment doesn’t make it unsafe.”

I finally lower the check. In our marriage, I held the power. I directed our lives, and Elowen accommodated. Yet here, in this small apartment, with mismatched dishes and children’s art on the walls, she stands her ground with certainty.

“I just want what’s best for them,” I say, and I mean it. Even if I’m no longer sure what that is.

“So do I,” she replies. “That’s the one thing we’ve always agreed on, though it’s obvious we have different ideas as to what that looks like.”

I tuck the check back into my pocket, acceptance settling uncomfortably in my chest.

“At least let me pay for a security system,” I offer, a final attempt at compromise. “For my peace of mind, if nothing else.”

Elowen considers this, then nods once. “That’s reasonable. The old tenants had Washington Alarm, but I haven’t reengaged it yet.”

I nod, accepting the terms like we’re concluding a business deal rather than discussing our children’s safety.

“And the wiring,” I add. “Please don’t wait for the building manager. That’s genuinely dangerous.”

Her expression softens enough to remind me of the woman who used to gaze at me with warmth instead of wariness. “I’ll call someone tomorrow.”

It’s a small victory, but I’ll take it. I glance toward the children’s bedrooms, where Leo and Meredith had retreated to during our standoff. Their voices drift down the hallway. They must have sensed the settlement, because they barrel out their doors and down the hallway.

“Dad! Dad, look!” Leo says once stopped in front of me. He points excitedly toward the living room window. “There’s a cat down there!” I turn to see an orange tabby perched on a metal bench overlooking the ocean, its tail twitching as it stares up with disdain. The cat looks skinny, one ear notched, likely a stray.

“Mom, can we bring it to the shelter?” Leo asks, moving to the window and pressing his nose against the glass pane. Meanwhile, the cat stares back, unimpressed by our son’s attention.

The stray cat stretches on the bench, apparently deciding we’re not worth its attention. It hops off the bench and disappears out of view.

“Aww, it left,” Leo says, disappointed.

“We’ll bring some food next time,” Elowen assures him. “If they’re hungry, they’ll come back.”

I watch my son nod. Though, I think management won’t want a thousand strays.

“I should go,” I announce, hating how I sound like a visitor to my own family.

“But we didn’t show you our library books yet!” Meredith protests, clutching at my hand with sticky fingers I don’t remember her acquiring. I resist letting go to wipe the stickiness away.

“Next time,” I promise. “Maybe you can read one to me. Like how Leo reads to the kittens.”

Her face brightens at the suggestion. “Ahahahaha, Daddy! We can read to you so you can get socialized, too!”

Elowen snorts. Leo’s eyes go wide.

“I’d like that.” And I mean it more than she could possibly understand.

“Will you come back soon?” Leo asks.

“Yes,” I say firmly. “Very soon.”

Chapter 19

Elowen

When Julian visited my apartment, I’ll admit, I noticed small differences in his behavior. He followed my instructions to only speak about the children and didn’t pull away when Meredith and Leo threw their arms around him. He kept his decorating criticisms largely to himself, and actually listened to me when I told him I would not be accepting extra money for an oversized house I don’t need.

For a moment, I saw a version of him that was trying, but it wasn’t enough to bridge the distance he had created. I spent eight years making him comfortable because I loved him. Though I still do, I am finally ready to put myself first.