Page 64 of Tell Me I'm Enough

“Lyd, are you ready for midterms next week?” I ask as we’re shuffling around the room, getting ready for the day.

Lydia groans, trying to drink the magical hangover drink Lani made her. “Simone…I love you…but I can’t think about school right now.”

“Are you at least coming to the study group tonight?”

“Study group?” she asks, genuinely confused. “No…tonight is that homecoming party off campus.”

“You’re going to a party tonight?”

I don’t mean for it to come off like she shouldn’t be going out. I’m just…a little concerned withhow muchshe’s been going out recently, especially since a lot of it is alone without either Lani or me.

She puts her glass down and looks over at me. “I thoughtwewere going to the party.”

My face drops. I’d much rather her be going with me tonight…know she was safe. I wish I could always make sure she was okay. But she’s grown. I can’t stop her. I wouldn’t ever stop her. I want her to have fun. I just want to make sure that fun isn’t becoming some way for her to cope. I never want her to have to cover up how she’s feeling around me.

“What?” she asks a little harshly.

“Nothing, Lyd,” I say, not wanting to upset her or push her away. I feel like I’ve mastered the art of tiptoeing around her sometimes so that I don’t trigger upsetting her, especially when I’m just looking out for her.

“Simone…when have we ever censored how we felt around each other?”

I try to figure out how to tell her I’m concerned without telling her she shouldn’t be doing something she enjoys.

“It’s just…I mean, I don’t really know what a bender looks like or anything,” I tell her gently, “but the way you’ve been nonstop partying and drinking…feels like what I would imagine one to look like.”

She rolls her eyes. “We’re in college, Simone. We’resupposedto be partying a lot.”

“Lyd…you’ve been out every night this week.”

“Again…it’s homecoming,” she tells me. “Everyoneis partying this week.”

“I’ve only been to one party this whole week,” I tell her, just trying to point out that I like partying too, but there’s gotta be a line somewhere when it becomes an unhealthy amount.

“I’ve been having a good time, Simone. I’m finally happy and having some real fun. Why is that a problem?”

“It’s not,” I tell her, then I soften my tone some. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like it was…I just haven’t seen you like this before. I want to make sure everything is okay.”

I want to tell her partying isn’t the problem; it’s what comes with it—the drinking, the random hook-ups with guys that could hurt her…not only physically but emotionally. Everything parties attract feels like something that could take her down a bad path if she lets it.

“Yes, everything is okay, Simone. I’m good. Better than good.”

“I just miss you, too, though,” I tell her. “I feel like if I don’t constantly go out with you, I never get to see you.”

“You’re the one too busy with the sorority most days.”

That hurts because the sorority has given me a place where I feel I fit in and enjoy; it’s opened new doors for me and will keep opening them, and it’s introduced me to some really good people. I never want that to replace the friendship that Lydia and I have, though. Nobody could overshadow her or what she means to me.

“Don’t do that, Lyd. I always make time for you when I can.”

“I’m not saying that you don’t. I’m just saying that you have somethingyouenjoy doing, and I found somethingIenjoy doing. What’s the problem?”

“There’s no problem,” I say, kind of defeated, “if you’re actually okay, Lyd. But I just figured…I might need to check on you. You know…with what’s coming up—”

I don’t want to say it out loud or upset her, but every year on her sister’s death anniversary and birthday, Lydia tends to spiral a little. I’m always right there when she does to pick her back up…but ever since Eli…it’s been harder to spot her spirals. She’s starting to either get better with not going into that dark space…or she’s getting better at hiding it from me. That option scares me the most.

“Don’t, Simone,” she warns.

“I know you’ve been doing good lately…I just don’t want to see you crash. I want to make sure this is you actually doing good and not just masking something you aren’t talking about.”