Page 227 of Tell Me I'm Enough

49

Simone

I’m equally scared to be going out tonight and excited. Both feelings pertain to seeing one specific person.

I’m here to have fun. I’m here to have a good time with my girls—and Bash and Erik. I’m here to represent my house at the first game back from break.

I’m not here forhim. He just happens to be here. Yet, my eyes betray me as soon as we walk into the stadium—going straight to the sidelines…looking forhim.

I easily find the jersey with the number seventeen on it, and eight big white letters calling my attention to them:SINCLAIR

He’s down by the wall, talking to someone in the stands before running off, back into the tunnel.

I hate that I can’t take my eyes off him. How can I be so mad at someone and also hurt by them…yet still want to be around them, still miss them like some sad little girl in love with the one guy who doesn’t even want her outside of sex.

I hate that I still want to know why—why I wasn’t worth a single call all break, or even the month before that. And still, if he were to walk over to me right now, hug me, and talk to me like nothing even happened…I would be the stupid girl to go along with it, happily at that, because I just miss him.

That’s how I know this isn’t a healthy thing between us.

Maybe it’s better that he’s ignoring me. He’s saving me from myself, really.

Lydia bumps my shoulder as we walk through the crowd of people. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I lie quickly. “Just feeling…a little overstimulated today.”

She makes a face like she gets it, and then she smiles. “Let’s find our seats. Bash got here early to save us some down front.”

I smile and shake my head. Of course he did. He always does everything in his power to make her happy, no matter how small it is.

She deserves it more than anyone in the world.

But damn, I want that too. Selfishly, I want that too.

Alright, God. When is it my turn? You think you can send me someone who can love me without hurting me? Preferably soon? I don’t wanna rush your plans or anything, but…chop chop, please.

I’m so happy for her, really, though. She’s finally letting herself be cared for the way she deserves, letting herself slowly learn to trust again. Even when I know it’s scary for her, she’s doing it. And that makes me so proud of her.

I see the way she’s still cautious. How she hasn’t let herself fully fall—or hasn’t admitted to it yet, because she’s scared to, scared falling will come with pain again. But I see the way she calms around him, the way he’s slowly becoming a safe space for her. I only hope she lets him.

She’s still healing, still coming out of a very dark place. I’m not sure she could handle anything else crushing her right now. But I trust him. I trust him with my girl. She just needs to learn to trust herself now.

We find Bash and Erik down in one of the bottom rows, squeezing past people’s knees and bags and drunk guys who keep yelling,“LET’S GO!” when the game hasn’t even started yet.

Bash kisses the top of Lydia’s head and says something to her quietly that makes her smile.

I love seeing her like this.

Lani scoots in beside me, making sure she’s in the farthest seat away from Erik.

Sometimes I feel bad for her. I know she puts up with him being around for Lydia, and I wish I could hate the guy on her behalf. But he’s so…nice. I just—I don’t get it. I don’t think any of us ever will unless one of them gives us the full story. I’ve stopped pushing for it, though, knowing if and when she wants to, she’ll tell us.

The lights flash, the band starts up, and then the announcer’s voice booms over the speakers, calling out players like they’re superheroes around here instead of just a bunch of college boys who eat frozen chicken tenders for dinner and forget to wash their sheets most of the time.

My stomach twists in anticipation, waiting for them to call his name.

“AND NOW…YOUR STARTING OFFENSE—”

I try to focus on all of the players, cheering for the ones I know, and even the ones I don’t.