Page 209 of Tell Me I'm Enough

“I’ll think about it,” I say.

But deep down, I already know. I don’t want fun. I want something that doesn’t hurt.

And for some reason, I keep choosing the opposite.

46

Mason

“Um, where’s my dad and Rose?” I ask our butler, Henry, when I walk into the empty house, filled only by the sounds of my brothers’ screams and laughter somewhere in the distance.

“They won’t be back until a couple of days after Christmas, Mr. Sinclair.”

Are you kidding me?

“And who’s been with the boys?”

He nods his head towards the living room. “The nannies have been switching off.”

Annoyance rises in my chest. I just shake my head and turn to head up the stairs.

“Here,” Henry says. “Let me get your bags.”

Normally, I would fight him on this and take my own bags up, never liking to be a bother or liking having them around the house to begin with. But I’m tired, and Idojust want to go see the boys, so I let him take them.

“Thank you.”

He nods, taking the suitcases. “Of course.”

Winter break is supposed to be just that, a break, but for me, it’s the opposite. Anytime I’m back home, I feel more like a prisoner in my own head than any other time. I’d much rather work my ass off every day on the field and in the classroom than be back in the place that has taken everything from me.

I also hate that I feel that way, because the two people I love most in this world are here. But the one person Ihatethe most isalsonormally here. At least he isn’t right now, though. That feels like the best Christmas gift I could have gotten this year.

I walk over to where the boys are playing, and they stop mid-fight when they see me.

“MASON!” they both scream in unison as they leap over the back of the couch and rush me, almost knocking me over.

I can’t tell you how good it feels to be around them. They make me feel like the most loved person in the world when I’m with them.

I’d put up with dad’s shit tenfold just to keep them in my life.

“What do you say we get out of here and have some fun outside this house today?” I ask them, knowing they spend almost every day here alone, just like I did.

At least they have each other.

They’re growing up so fast, and it feels like these last two years of being away have made me realize that more than ever. They’re stuck here with no one giving them what they need, and I hate it. I also hate that I’m missing out on being here for them, giving them what they actually need.

What good is all this money if you can’t even give any good childhood experiences for your own kids? You just leave them at home with a nanny all day and no activities planned or outings for them to do. If they didn’t have school and camp, they wouldn’t see the light of day outside of this prison.

Both boys jump in excitement.

“Heck yeah!” Asher shouts.

I ruffle both the top of their heads and tell them to let me go change, and I’ll take them anywhere they want to go.

When I walk into my room, the nausea hits. Honestly, it’s been building all morning.

Mostly because I haven’t had a drink all day.