Page 155 of Tell Me I'm Enough

“I don’t need any help, Simone. I’m not some little project for everyone to fix. I’m good. I’m tired of talking about the bad. I wanna leave it in the past. Fuck…why can’t we just leave all the past shit alone?”

“I just care about you, Lyd. And I know you. I know your patterns. Just…let me be there when you need someone.”

“I don’tneedanything. I’m good. I wish you would just back off. It gives memoreanxiety when you sit here and constantly pry when I don’twantto be dissected.”

“You don’t need to get offended every time I ask how you’re doing. I just care.”

She stands from her bed, grabbing her bag. “Like I said, I’m good. I don’t need this. It just makes me feel like everyone around me thinks I’m some shit-show that can’t take care of herself.”

“Lyd—”

She barges out of our dorm right as Lani is walking in. She barrels past her, and Lani looks back at her, walking down the hall and then to me in our room, confusion written all over her face.

“What happened now?”

I shake my head and lie back on my bed. “Same old, same old. Just trying to check in on her, and somehow I managed to piss her off.”

She looks back out into the hallway before walking all the way in and shutting the door. “Damn, I’m sorry.”

I press my palms to my eyes, trying to ease the tension. “I don’t even recognize her anymore. I thought she was doing good. She seemed better after spring break, just to go back to being distant and hiding everything she does again.”

Lani sits down next to me. “As much as I want her to come to you or me and tell us every time she’s struggling…I also get it.”

I prop myself up to look at her. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Like, I just get not wanting to talk about certain things that trigger you. Sometimes talking about them when you don’t fully understand them yourself just intensifies all the feelings and makes you feel so…stuck in them. Like they’re starting to drown you, and then you just have someone above the water asking you how they can help you while you’re in the middle of panicking yourself and can’t think straight.”

“Then how do I help?”

She shrugs. “I wish I had the answers. The truth is, I don’t know. Maybe just being there and trying to focus on the good with her, not always pointing out the bad? But you gotta remember, at the end of the day, you can’t fix anyone who doesn’t want to be fixed. If something is going on and she doesn’t want help, you can’t force it.”

I shrink a little at that. I don’t know how to not be there, forcing my help on the ones I love. I’m so used to dragging her out of the dark that I don’t know how to just leave her in it.

“I love her, Lani. She’s my family. I don’t know hownotto care.”

“You never have to stop caring. You just have to let them decide when they’re ready to need you.”

“I feel like she’s hiding so much from me. She never does that. The last time she did, it ended with a really fucked up situation of her being hurt that I felt like if I had just kept my foot in the door and not let her slam it on me, I could have helped.”

Lani looks over at me with a saddened expression. “Your mind tells you that you could have done something, but that’s not actually reality. The reality is that she probably wouldn’t have let you in back then either, no matter how much you pushed.”

I groan. “I hate this. I hate it so much. I feel helpless, like I’m being forced to watch a car crash happen knowing someone I love is in one of the cars, and you’re telling me I can’t do anything to stop it.”

“I’m telling you it’s not always possible, and you can’t blame yourself for other people’s choices. You can only control yourself, be there for them, and show you care without forcing their hand.”

I let out an annoyed sigh. “I still don’t like any of this.”

Lani places a hand on my back. “That’s because you have a really pure and beautiful heart, Simone. You care about the people you love so much. That’s a really special thing, and I’m lucky to be one of the people who get to experience it as well.”

I turn to hug her, trying not to get emotional.

I hear her fighting back her own emotions as she hugs me back.

“Come on,” she whispers. “Didn’t you say the Sig house was throwing a party tonight? Could be a good distraction.”

I let out a little laugh, shaking my head. “The Sigs are always throwing a party.”

“So…you’re in then?”