Page 113 of Tell Me I'm Enough

Lydia shakes her head.

“Are you serious?” I ask. “And you never told me?”

“I…I hate making you always worry about me. And I’m…I’m okay—”

“This isn’t okay!” I snap, completely shocked and hurt…like physically hurt at the knowledge of her touching drugs…something shesworeshe would never do, something shepromisedme she would never do.

“I’m fine…” she says flatly, barely holding her eyes open now.

And I see it…I see my best friend becomingexactlywho she was always afraid of being.

“You’re obviously not fine! I can’t believe this. After everything…after all the people you’ve watched in your life do the same thing…go down the same path—”

I see her switch flip. She pushes to stand, nearly falling, and shoves our hands away. “Fuck you…Fuck both of you.”

“Lydia—”

“No, don’t Lydia me! You don’t know what it’s like to be trapped in your own damn head all the time, stuck in memories you can’t get out, no matter what you do. You don’t know what it’s like to feel like you’ll go insane if it doesn’t stop.”

I don’t know what to say. All I want to do is wrap her in a hug and take the shit she’s been through away, hold it for her so she doesn’t have to.

“I found a way to shut it off,” she says, “so I fucking took it, okay?”

“This isn’t the way,” Lani tells her, but her voice cracks as it comes out. “You could end up killing yourself.”

“Yeah? What if I told you I don’t give a fuck if I do?

“You don’t mean that…” I say so quietly that I’m not sure anyone hears me.

My heart is cracking open, and I can’t stop it. The thought of losing her makes me physically ill.

“Screw you. Screw both of you,” she tells us. “You only judge me because you don’t fucking know what it’s like.” She waves a hand between us. “With your perfect little happy lives, how could you?”

“That’s not fair,” I argue. “Nobody’s life is perfect.”

She throws her hands up and laughs. “Oh, I’m sorry. That’s right. I forgot. Your boyfriend is trying to dump you and is probably a couple of states over right now, fucking as many college girls as he can because you’re the only pussy he’s ever gotten, and he’s finally gotten tired of it. Such a sad fucking story. At least he didn’t beat the fuck out of you until you couldn’t get out of bed…just to go and fucking kill himself in front of you and blame you for all the fucked up thingshedid toyou! Face it, Simone! You’retooperfect sometimes. He probably got so fucking bored with you that he wanted to blow hisownbrains out. So he would rather just dump you instead and go live his life, not wanting to be drained by you any longer!”

I feel the tears running down my face before I even register that I’m crying.

I don’t know who this girl is standing in front of me.

Lydia—mybest friend—has said alotof hurtful things over the years when she was hurting…but nothing…nothingthis deep.

I don’t know if it’s the alcohol, or the pain I feel for her…or the fact that she’s probably fucking right. But I feel like someone just stabbed several knives into my chest and is just standing there, letting me bleed out.

The front door bursts open, and Tank stumbles past us, leaping off the porch toward a car idling at the curb.

I didn’t even know he was at this party.

All of our heads turn, and I see Mason in the passenger seat.

Our eyes lock, and I wipe away the tears, feeling embarrassed.

He yells at Tank to hurry up, and then they’re gone.

“We’re taking you home,” Lani says. “Let’s get in the car.”

“No,” she snaps. “I’m walking.”