Page 87 of Just Between Us

“Will you tell me about her?” she asks, giving my hand a firm squeeze.

And God help me, I do. That one question feels like Julie’s death isn’t the single most defining thing about her. She was once a living breathing person who I fell in love with. The words pour out, a levee broken. I tell her about the first time I met Julie. First day of my senior year. I was sitting in homeroom, when the door opened and in she walked.

“Because my reputation preceded me, the teacher sat me right up front. There was one empty desk and it happened to be directly beside mine.” My voice sounds distant, lost in the past as I stare into the flames. “Even under the teacher’s nose, Iflirted. Didn’t give a damn.” A smile tugs my lips up at the memory. “It’s safe to say, she was not as into me as I was her.”

That day is so clear it hurts, but I laugh through the pain. “I handed her my phone with a scribbled out note that saidI think my phone is broken. It doesn’t have your number in it.”

Cassie lets out a startled laugh, clapping a hand over her mouth. “Liam, that’s the worst.”

I nod my response. “She thought so, too. She stood, head held so high, and took it to Mr. Sweetwater’s desk. I had two days’ detention, right off the bat.”

Cassie listens with rapt attention as I tell about finally winning Julie over, taking her to prom, losing our virginity that same night. “Josie rented us a hotel room since we weren’t old enough. Julie and I told our parents we were staying with friends. Dad didn’t buy it, though. He said something like ‘I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday’ and slipped condoms into the glove box of my truck with a warning to wrap it up.”

I talk, sometimes ramble, chasing down memories I haven’t allowed myself to think of in years. Julie chose the university not too far from here, just so we wouldn’t be apart. Despite that, we had plenty of ups and downs, like every relationship. After she graduated college, she got her first job doing marketing for a law firm and we celebrated by me giving her a key to my house. I’d just built it and she moved in a week later.

Telling all of this to Cassie feels like sensation returning to a numb limb. It’s uncomfortable but it also means I’m feeling something again.

“She sounds wonderful,” Cassie says quietly.

“She was.” Before I can choke them down, I let my next words land. “She was wonderful and she’s dead and it’s my fault.”

And there it is. The truth of it crushing me under its weight.

My voice cracks on the last word and I have to clench my jaw to keep it together.

Cassie doesn’t gasp, doesn’t rush to contradict me. Doesn’tsay a word. She just waits. So I keep talking because now that I’ve opened that wound, I can’t stop.

“It was two years ago. Second week of November.”

My voice doesn’t sound like mine anymore. It’s hollow. Detached. Like if I keep enough distance from my past, it’ll lose its power to destroy me all over again.

“The forecast called for storms. I’d watched the weather all fucking day, Cassie. By late afternoon, rain was coming down in sheets, lightning streaking across the sky. I should have postponed. Who the fuck goes to dinner when it’s storming?”

My heart is beating so hard I hear it in my ears, my breaths coming in shallow bursts. But I have to keep talking. I have to get it all out, this nightmare, this festering wound that just won’t heal.

“That night, the black velvet ring box called the shots.”

I can feel her staring at me, but I can’t look her in the eye knowing I could have prevented what happened that night. I’m terrified to see whatever’s on her face right now.

“I had it all planned out. I’d take her to that fancy farm to table place she loved in downtown Creekwood. She’d order those overpriced deviled eggs, and we’d share a bottle of wine to relax. Then after crème brûlée, I’d get down on one knee right there in front of everyone and ask her for forever.”

I drop my head into my palms and try my damndest to calm my breathing. My hands go to my hair and I tug, hoping to ease the pain of the last two years, but I hardly feel it.

“She called around five. Said she was running late but she’d get there as soon as she could. Instead of telling her let’s do this another night, I said ‘Be careful. The roads are bad.’ She said ‘I’m always careful, babe.’ I told her I loved her and she said the same three words she always said. Love you more. Those were the last words we ever said to each other.”

Cassie brings a hand to her mouth. “Your tattoo.”

Nodding slowly, I think about the tattoo I got on what would have been her twenty-eighth birthday. Her handwriting downthe side of my ribs.Love you more.Right now I swear I feel it, like a brand against my skin, hot and burning.

The fire blurs in front of me, the colors blending to an orangey haze through a sheen of tears. I blink fast to clear my vision and shake my head. I haven’t cried since Julie’s funeral. Not once. I don’t deserve to shed those tears.

“Since Jules was running late, I didn’t see a reason to leave so soon. I hung around at home another fifteen or twenty minutes, working through a couple melodies I’d had running through my head. When I figured enough time had passed, I headed out. I was about fifteen minutes from the restaurant when I came up on it. I knew it was her car immediately. She drove this little blue bug she’d had since high school. A goofy daisy on the dashboard.” The images from that night flash through my mind, as vivid as the night it happened. They never fade. Not even after all this time. “The ambulance hadn’t even arrived yet. Neither had the cops. Just two cars. The fucker slammed right into her door going god knows how fast.”

My fingers grip the arms of the chair so hard my knuckles ache. I’m no longer on my deck with Cassie. I’m there, dialing 911 as rain soaked through my clothes and my shoes slipped on the wet asphalt as I ran to her car. Glass crunched under my shoes, the harsh scent of gasoline was the only thing I smelled. And I heard nothing other than the ringing in my ears as I approached Julie’s crushed vehicle.

“Jules was trapped. The steering wheel, the dash, everything was crushing her.” Bile rises at the back of my throat. “And the blood. It was everywhere. I’ve never seen anything like it. On her face, in her hair, fucking everywhere. I knew she was losing too much of it. Her eyes kept drifting shut. Her skin was going pale. I whispered over and overStay with me, Jules. Help’s coming. Just stay awake.”

Memories night twist around me like vines, holding me in place, constricting until I can’t breathe. My lungs are a deflated balloon and my heart is pounding, a thunderousbaboom, baboom,baboom, in my head, in my ears, surrounding me. Images from that night assault me and words pour from my lips in a rush. I need to get the rest out.